Ok I'm still figuring this blog stuff out so please forgive me. Also I don't really like to blog unless I have something to say or to talk about - I'm sure you all really don't want to hear when I'm eating a bagel or how someone cut me off in traffic - that's why I have a FB and Twitter account lol So Karyn what are you going to talk about?
Recently I was talking with my brother and we were recalling things about our childhood. Places we used to go as kids, people we hung out with, etc. One thing we talked about are the places in our neighborhood that were a treat for us growing up. Giappo's deep dish pizza was one of them and cake from Linn's bakery with the AMAZING (yes it was that good that I needed to capitalize it) buttercream icing. Now yes this might sound like the whole bagel issue, but what it led us to discuss was how much our neighborhood has changed over the years. Now not to sound like Father Time, but when we were growing up we could ride our bikes whereever as long as we were home by the time the street lights came on. Even then sometimes we'd get the block kids together and have a game of kick the can (If you don't know this game, it's on Wikipedia). We played in the sprinkler when it was hot cuz we had no air conditioning; if we got thirsty we drank from the hose and it didn't matter that it tasted like metal - you know what I'm talking about. Don't let your mother catch you saying that you were bored cuz she'd make you do work. My father would take my younger brother and I up to the forest preserve by the house and we'd just wander for hours on end. I remember one time my brother chased a gardener snake with a stick so fast that I think the snake was more scared of him!
When I look around now I'm saddened by some of things that I see; kids running around with no supervision, kids unable to ride their bikes in certain areas for fear of gangs and other violence. Neighbors not knowing or caring about who lives next to them, people not mowing their lawns because they just don't care. Noone writes a letter anymore cuz it's easier to send a text or an email, noone buys books anymore cuz they can download them, kids don't want to play outside because they'd rather play their video games or because it's too hot, or they can't because it's too dangerous.
My brother used to make fun of me all the time because I've always said that I wanted to live in a small town similar to the one that my father grew up in. However down there they say yes sir, no ma'am, and well by golly they even say hi to perfect strangers. I remember my sister telling me that the one time that she stayed down there to visit my cousin and they were sitting on the porch when he said hi to someone that was passing by. She asked if he knew the person and when he said no she asked why he said something - his response? Cuz it's the polite thing to do.
I miss sitting on the porch with my family and neighbors at night (which my dad referred to as letting the stink blow off lol). I love the feel of a book in my hand, the way the pages feel, cracking the spine of a new book, dog earing the pages instead of using a book mark. I love writing letters, but unfortunately I have noone to write them to (and no cracks about prisoners liking letters cuz I'm not goin there). I love that my son still loves to play in the hose and still loves to play with play dough.
Now do I think technology is the devil? Of course not I'm the first one to admit that I love the fact that I can make my house cold enough to hang meat on a 100 degree day, and I love the fact that I can connect with people from around the world. I think it's amazing the things that you can find out on the net and I sure as hell wouldn't want to go back to some of the things that my parents had to grow up with. However I do think that things might be a bit better if we did get back to some of the simpler things in life. So the next time you see someone you don't know - say hi. It's the polite thing to do.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Momma always told me.........
You can't judge a book by it's cover - how many times have we heard that? I know I heard it all the time when I was growing up. It was my parents way of making me realize that there are some really cool people out there if you just take the time to get to know them.
Unfortunately lately I've come to realize that though the Civil Rights movement was some 40 years ago, there are still a lot of prejudices that still exist. Not only when it comes to race, but religion, politics you name it. Anyone will tell you I am a VERY liberal person; most of the time I don't care if you're black, white, asian, blue, purple, Jewish, Catholic, Atheist, whatever. In my book if you're not hurting anyone who cares? Do I always agree with everyone? Of course not, we all have our own opinions, but I'm not going to stop being your friend just because you believe something I don't.
There is no greater example I could give than of me and my friend Bino. On the surface Bino and I couldn't be more different. I am a short, white, Catholic, grammar correcting "goodie two shoes". Bino on the other hand is a tall, mexican, God believing, yet everything's a conspiracy, don't correct my grammar sometimes trouble maker. However dig deeper and you can begin to see the similarities; we're both single parents trying to do the best by our kids, we both LOVE to debate, we both love calling people out on things, and we hate the baby daddy/mamma drama. I first met Bino when I was working and he came on as our new security guard, I thought to myself "Oh good let's see how THIS one works out" (we'd had some pretty shitty so called guards). After awhile though, the more we talked the more I realized we had in common. Sure there were a lot of things we disagreed on - especially when it comes to politics, but we were always able to discuss things in a civilized manner. However we also both believe in God, we want the best for our children, and we both intend to be wealthy one day lol There was also alot we learned about each other too. He taught me about street things, the music world, and how to think outside the box. I taught him (or so I like to think) that not all baby mamas cause drama, there is more than one way to look at things, and some proper grammar lol We've discussed all things taboo: politics, religion, race, etc. One of the funniest ones was when we were discussing gangs; in particular the Latin Kings. I don't remember what exactly we talked about but I remember him laughing and saying "Man Karyn you are the LAST person I expected to be having this conversation with"
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes you have to look past things to get at the real person. So what if someone's Muslim and you're Christian; if you were dying and they could save you - why not let them? A person's religion, race, political status, etc are only parts of the whole. They're one part of the whole person; it's like your body - your kidneys aren't responsible for everything that goes on in it - it's one organ among many. When I think about how many people won't have anything to do with a person simply because of their beliefs or their race it saddens me because I think about how much they might be missing out on.
I think the thing that makes it worse is those ppl that think like that who have children. Let's face it: prejudice isn't born, it's learned. I'd like to think that I'm teaching my son to be open minded and accepting of all people. He once asked me in not so many words why two guys couldn't get married; my answer to him was that some ppl don't think it's right, but that you can't help who you fall in love with. I said you can love who ever you want. What's even more awesome is that he has several mixed cousins - black, white, mexican - just about everything so race is one area that's never been a problem for him - to this day I don't think he sees color when it comes to ppl and it makes me smile. I try to be as honest with him as possible about things in general, sometimes it's hard because he's only 9 and a young 9 at that. However I want him to grow up knowing that people are at the heart of things basically the same: We all want to love and be loved, we all have fears, and we're all just trying to make it. So the next time you think you know something about someone, dig a little deeper - you'd be amazed at what you find out.
Unfortunately lately I've come to realize that though the Civil Rights movement was some 40 years ago, there are still a lot of prejudices that still exist. Not only when it comes to race, but religion, politics you name it. Anyone will tell you I am a VERY liberal person; most of the time I don't care if you're black, white, asian, blue, purple, Jewish, Catholic, Atheist, whatever. In my book if you're not hurting anyone who cares? Do I always agree with everyone? Of course not, we all have our own opinions, but I'm not going to stop being your friend just because you believe something I don't.
There is no greater example I could give than of me and my friend Bino. On the surface Bino and I couldn't be more different. I am a short, white, Catholic, grammar correcting "goodie two shoes". Bino on the other hand is a tall, mexican, God believing, yet everything's a conspiracy, don't correct my grammar sometimes trouble maker. However dig deeper and you can begin to see the similarities; we're both single parents trying to do the best by our kids, we both LOVE to debate, we both love calling people out on things, and we hate the baby daddy/mamma drama. I first met Bino when I was working and he came on as our new security guard, I thought to myself "Oh good let's see how THIS one works out" (we'd had some pretty shitty so called guards). After awhile though, the more we talked the more I realized we had in common. Sure there were a lot of things we disagreed on - especially when it comes to politics, but we were always able to discuss things in a civilized manner. However we also both believe in God, we want the best for our children, and we both intend to be wealthy one day lol There was also alot we learned about each other too. He taught me about street things, the music world, and how to think outside the box. I taught him (or so I like to think) that not all baby mamas cause drama, there is more than one way to look at things, and some proper grammar lol We've discussed all things taboo: politics, religion, race, etc. One of the funniest ones was when we were discussing gangs; in particular the Latin Kings. I don't remember what exactly we talked about but I remember him laughing and saying "Man Karyn you are the LAST person I expected to be having this conversation with"
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes you have to look past things to get at the real person. So what if someone's Muslim and you're Christian; if you were dying and they could save you - why not let them? A person's religion, race, political status, etc are only parts of the whole. They're one part of the whole person; it's like your body - your kidneys aren't responsible for everything that goes on in it - it's one organ among many. When I think about how many people won't have anything to do with a person simply because of their beliefs or their race it saddens me because I think about how much they might be missing out on.
I think the thing that makes it worse is those ppl that think like that who have children. Let's face it: prejudice isn't born, it's learned. I'd like to think that I'm teaching my son to be open minded and accepting of all people. He once asked me in not so many words why two guys couldn't get married; my answer to him was that some ppl don't think it's right, but that you can't help who you fall in love with. I said you can love who ever you want. What's even more awesome is that he has several mixed cousins - black, white, mexican - just about everything so race is one area that's never been a problem for him - to this day I don't think he sees color when it comes to ppl and it makes me smile. I try to be as honest with him as possible about things in general, sometimes it's hard because he's only 9 and a young 9 at that. However I want him to grow up knowing that people are at the heart of things basically the same: We all want to love and be loved, we all have fears, and we're all just trying to make it. So the next time you think you know something about someone, dig a little deeper - you'd be amazed at what you find out.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Parenting
Yes I'm back, I know I've been MIA lately and that my last blog was full of positives. I'm still on my weight loss journey, though it's come to a stand still lately because I've been sick and unable to stay upright. However that is neither here nor there. Today I want to talk about something that is very near and dear to my heart - parenting. Now we all have our own parenting techniques and things that work for us, but I want to talk about merely the basics.
Now having a child with a disability makes things a bit more challenging as far as I need to have the energy of a Jack Russell Terrier that's gotten into the case of Red Bull. Needless to say I do not always have this, and with being sick I've had it even less lately. However I will say that I try to be mentally available to my child. What do I mean by this? I mean that when my son asks me something I don't blow him off nor do I try to blow smoke up his ass. Yes he still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the other fairy tales/stories/legends we've all grown up with. However he asked me one day why a boy who wasn't related to another boy couldn't get married. I was at first taken by surprise - he was 8 at the time; what 8 year old asks that? Mine that's who. Once I regained my composure I explained to him that some people didn't think it was right, but that you cannot help who you fall in love with. He was ok with this answer and we went on to discuss that it was ok for him to like whoever he wanted both now and later on in life.
After I thought about his situation for awhile, I realized that I am happy that my son is non judgmental and that he has the courage and confidence to ask ME these things believing that I will have the answer. Now do I have the answer to all of life's questions? Obviously not or else I'd be making a hella lotta money answering things for ppl LOL What it also made me realize that if I don't teach my kid these things - who will? I didn't want to dare think about that. As usual the more I thought about it the more I learned that I was not alone - there were other parents that were going through what I was going through. What scared me though was when I realized that I knew parents that either didn't see what they were doing to their kids or they did and just didn't care.
What I mean by doing to their kids is not physical abuse, but they were neglecting their children's minds and feelings. Example; my son knows that he is not allowed to play video games that carry an M rating and that I need to approve the T rated games. Therefore he doesn't play them - how do I know? Because my son talks to me; we've been at others peoples houses and he'll come out of the room where all the kids are playing and if I ask why he's not playing with the other kids he'll say "They're playing games I'm not allowed to". Even if he's been at a friends house he will say "They were playing such and such a game, but I didn't play" again - how do I know he's telling the truth? He'll follow that up by saying "I watched them play a few minutes Mom I'm sorry I know I'm not supposed to". It's the same way with movies and their ratings; however I know someone who doesn't let their child play violent video games, but in the same breath doesn't mind if the child is in the room for an R rated movie!
I am by NO means saying that I am the perfect parent, but what I am saying is that you need to PARENT. I don't care if your child calls you every name in the book - there are very few I HAVEN'T been called, but in the end I don't care because I know that it's better for my child. I saw a news special just tonight on children and the parents that spy on them. They were talking to a dad that was part of a website that helped monitor his 13 year olds internet activity. Cut to said 13 year old sitting on her bed with a lap top open and typing away with the only light coming from the screen. Now I ask you - what 13 year old needs a laptop? Now some may say that it's a space saver thing, whatever fine but then why was she not required to use it in a family room or dining room? Wake up people internet, video games, movies, etc etc are not to blame for things that your child does - YOU are. Who let them watch the violent movie? Who let them log onto that website. Now am I saying that every media outlet shouldn't be held accountable for some of the stuff they air? NO, but how about taking your share of the responsibility?
It's not just media stuff either; I've seen parents chastize their child for doing something wrong when in fact the child was tired of being ignored for 4 hours and simply wanted their attention. What people don't get is that pleasing kids for the most part is fairly easy; most of the time what they really want is just for someone to listen. Most of the time we forget that they are not just kids, but human beings with thoughts and opinions and questions. They want someone to listen to them, ask them what THEY think how THEY feel. They WANT boundries, and for someone to care enough to wonder where the HELL they've been. They might not like it at the time, but they always come to realize that it's in their best interest. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is if you're gonna be a parent BE a parent - your kids have enough friends.
Now having a child with a disability makes things a bit more challenging as far as I need to have the energy of a Jack Russell Terrier that's gotten into the case of Red Bull. Needless to say I do not always have this, and with being sick I've had it even less lately. However I will say that I try to be mentally available to my child. What do I mean by this? I mean that when my son asks me something I don't blow him off nor do I try to blow smoke up his ass. Yes he still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the other fairy tales/stories/legends we've all grown up with. However he asked me one day why a boy who wasn't related to another boy couldn't get married. I was at first taken by surprise - he was 8 at the time; what 8 year old asks that? Mine that's who. Once I regained my composure I explained to him that some people didn't think it was right, but that you cannot help who you fall in love with. He was ok with this answer and we went on to discuss that it was ok for him to like whoever he wanted both now and later on in life.
After I thought about his situation for awhile, I realized that I am happy that my son is non judgmental and that he has the courage and confidence to ask ME these things believing that I will have the answer. Now do I have the answer to all of life's questions? Obviously not or else I'd be making a hella lotta money answering things for ppl LOL What it also made me realize that if I don't teach my kid these things - who will? I didn't want to dare think about that. As usual the more I thought about it the more I learned that I was not alone - there were other parents that were going through what I was going through. What scared me though was when I realized that I knew parents that either didn't see what they were doing to their kids or they did and just didn't care.
What I mean by doing to their kids is not physical abuse, but they were neglecting their children's minds and feelings. Example; my son knows that he is not allowed to play video games that carry an M rating and that I need to approve the T rated games. Therefore he doesn't play them - how do I know? Because my son talks to me; we've been at others peoples houses and he'll come out of the room where all the kids are playing and if I ask why he's not playing with the other kids he'll say "They're playing games I'm not allowed to". Even if he's been at a friends house he will say "They were playing such and such a game, but I didn't play" again - how do I know he's telling the truth? He'll follow that up by saying "I watched them play a few minutes Mom I'm sorry I know I'm not supposed to". It's the same way with movies and their ratings; however I know someone who doesn't let their child play violent video games, but in the same breath doesn't mind if the child is in the room for an R rated movie!
I am by NO means saying that I am the perfect parent, but what I am saying is that you need to PARENT. I don't care if your child calls you every name in the book - there are very few I HAVEN'T been called, but in the end I don't care because I know that it's better for my child. I saw a news special just tonight on children and the parents that spy on them. They were talking to a dad that was part of a website that helped monitor his 13 year olds internet activity. Cut to said 13 year old sitting on her bed with a lap top open and typing away with the only light coming from the screen. Now I ask you - what 13 year old needs a laptop? Now some may say that it's a space saver thing, whatever fine but then why was she not required to use it in a family room or dining room? Wake up people internet, video games, movies, etc etc are not to blame for things that your child does - YOU are. Who let them watch the violent movie? Who let them log onto that website. Now am I saying that every media outlet shouldn't be held accountable for some of the stuff they air? NO, but how about taking your share of the responsibility?
It's not just media stuff either; I've seen parents chastize their child for doing something wrong when in fact the child was tired of being ignored for 4 hours and simply wanted their attention. What people don't get is that pleasing kids for the most part is fairly easy; most of the time what they really want is just for someone to listen. Most of the time we forget that they are not just kids, but human beings with thoughts and opinions and questions. They want someone to listen to them, ask them what THEY think how THEY feel. They WANT boundries, and for someone to care enough to wonder where the HELL they've been. They might not like it at the time, but they always come to realize that it's in their best interest. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is if you're gonna be a parent BE a parent - your kids have enough friends.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Normally when I write this blog I think ok you have to be inspiring, your words need to speak to people. However in this blog I am simply going to jump for joy - or for those of you that remember the show Perfect Strangers I am going to go Balki on you and dance the Dance of Joy (insert di di di and dancing). As you know I've been on a journey to make myself healthier and happier, well on Friday part of that was achieved. Now I am usually insanely nervous when I go to the dr because well I hate being poked, prodded and weighed. This dr visit I can say was one of the BEST of my life; first off I lost SEVEN lbs! Hell it's probably more like 10 because they have one of the old timey scales; either way - I'm DOING IT! I'm taking the weight off slowly but surely.
Not just that but the dr was HAPPY not the fake kind of happy but the this is the reason I do this job type of happy. Not only had I lost the weight but the anti depressant/anti anxiety meds she gave me are doing their job. I am better able to deal with things; even when life throws me a curve ball - if I can't hit it out of the park I at least get a foul tip. For you non baseball people - it means that I don't feel like I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole when life gets tough. I have more energy - I even played a half hour of soccer the other day with my son! 2 months ago that would have NEVER happened. I can also go up the stairs at his school without feeling like I'm going to keel over (seriously it's like climbing Mt. Everest). This may seem like small things to some, but for me its like winning a race.
Is it all fun and games and easy as pie? HELL NO - if it were I would have taken the weight off years ago! Matter of fact the dr told me I have to watch my salt as my bp is a little high. However I think this is the first time I've been REALLY serious about it and doing it, and when I can't do it and I need that extra push I have great friends and family that give me the edge and the encouragement to do it.
So I apologize if you don't walk away with some new philosophical perspective, but I am happy as a pig in shit as my dad would say. I won't apologize for it either; if nothing else I hope that some of this happiness wears off on others and makes them feel good about their lives too!
Not just that but the dr was HAPPY not the fake kind of happy but the this is the reason I do this job type of happy. Not only had I lost the weight but the anti depressant/anti anxiety meds she gave me are doing their job. I am better able to deal with things; even when life throws me a curve ball - if I can't hit it out of the park I at least get a foul tip. For you non baseball people - it means that I don't feel like I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole when life gets tough. I have more energy - I even played a half hour of soccer the other day with my son! 2 months ago that would have NEVER happened. I can also go up the stairs at his school without feeling like I'm going to keel over (seriously it's like climbing Mt. Everest). This may seem like small things to some, but for me its like winning a race.
Is it all fun and games and easy as pie? HELL NO - if it were I would have taken the weight off years ago! Matter of fact the dr told me I have to watch my salt as my bp is a little high. However I think this is the first time I've been REALLY serious about it and doing it, and when I can't do it and I need that extra push I have great friends and family that give me the edge and the encouragement to do it.
So I apologize if you don't walk away with some new philosophical perspective, but I am happy as a pig in shit as my dad would say. I won't apologize for it either; if nothing else I hope that some of this happiness wears off on others and makes them feel good about their lives too!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Remembering Dad
Yes I know I've been missing from here, but as I just told a friend I've been busy; busy with life things in general. My son is thoroughly enjoying boy scouting, which is good, I've been taking everyone to the dr, and cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. As I mentioned before I've been cleaning the skeletons and lord knows what else out of our basement - I think Jimmy Hoffa might make an appearance soon LOL
However, in my process I've found a lot of good memories. Whether it be in old photos, or a drawing, or heck even an outfit. Each thing holds a special place in our family, especially things concerning my father. We lost him 9 years ago May and though I still miss him every day, it's nice to now smile when I think about certain things. Like the way he used to stop what he was doing and start dancing any time he heard Bob Segar's Old Time A Rock N Roll and I mean - whatever he was doing. I remember him scaring the crap out of my sister because he was driving and let go of the wheel and started dancing because it was on. Needless to say we all survived ;-)
Recently I found a note that he'd written to my brother; not sure what it was for but I knew my brother would want to keep it so I took it and placed it on his dresser without saying a word. He asked my mom about it and she told him that I'd come across it; he hasn't said a word to me, but I know he treasures it because I know I would. I know most dads, and most guys in general are not very demonstrative ppl and often have a tough time showing their emotions. Not my dad; you see my father lost his mother when he was a mere 10 years old. With three kids (my dad being the oldest) my grandfather moved in with his mother so that she could help raise them while he worked at the coal mines day in and day out. Now only having vague memories of my grandfather I don't know that he was ever an emotional person, but I can imagine that losing your life partner will change you in some way. Either way, he was never very demonstrative with his kids and not really emotional with them. Sure he provided for them financially and took care of all his responsibilities, but that was where it ended I think. Because of this, my dad decided to be quite the opposite with his kids. There are not enough fingers and toes in the world to count the number of times my father hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me, said he was proud of me, etc etc. Sure he was a force to be reckoned with when he was pissed at you; mostly because he knew that you could do better. Hell I was 22 and living on my own but was scared to death to tell my Dad that I was having a child out of wedlock. However at the end of the day, he had his say and it was over - was estatic when my son was born just as with all his grandkids. It was the same way he was with my mom; he loved her like Romeo loved Juliet, but he also fought with her like a sworn enemy sometimes. But my parents loved each other - anyone that knew them could tell you that.
Like with any parent; there were many an embarrassing moment with my dad. There wasn't just the dancing, there was the yelling at me from the sidelines when I missed a fly ball while playing right field, the time my brother got hit by a pitch and my father carried him off the field - my brother scowling the entire time. The time he tried to write himself a check while my mom was out of town. He'd made it out to cash and forgotten to sign the back; the teller sent it back and asked him to sign it and he said the hell with it and tore it up and left (can you tell my mom handled the bills?). The time my brother got a car axle stuck in his foot and my dad raced over to the church where my mom was on retreat like the house was on fire. There were the "disussions" with my sisters - more like the latest political debates as both of them like to argue, but Dad always respected their opinions. The main thing I think to him, as he said often enough was "At least my kids are still talking to me".
Then there's Clint Eastwood - my father's icon; I can't tell you how many times on a Saturday you'd better pray there was something on t.v.; otherwise you'd be treated to a Clint Eastwood marathon. Everytime I hear the music from The Good The Bad and The Ugly I smile because I remember how much it used to irritate me when he used to watch it. If any of you have seen it you know that it's the same musical score throughout the ENTIRE movie. Despite his love of Clint Eastwood movies, which I'll forgive Dad was a brilliant man; he could do math like noone's business (he was a draftsman) though don't ever ask him to teach it. I can't remember the number of times he TRIED to help me with my math homework ( I SUCK at Math) but we could never understand each other and eventually we both gave up on that LOL His other talent was drawing (again another trait I didn't inherit); he LOVED it. His dream was to one day work for Walt Disney, but I think his lack of self confidence held him back from going for it. This is funny because he's also the person that taught me to be positive and believe in myself. I don't know how many times he would say Karyn, it's the power of postive thinking when I would accomplish something I'd didn't think I'd be able to do. It took me a long time to realize that you do attract what you put out there, but Dad I finally get it!
Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've been through because it was also the time that I had my son and was in a rocky relationship with my ex. However, the one thing that I will always cherish is the fact that my son got to meet him, and I got to say goodbye. You see my father never had that opportunity with his own father; my grandfather lived 5 hours away, and though we couldn't afford to all go my mom got my dad on a train to see him because we knew it was near the end. I still remember going to the train station and sharing a 7up with my younger brother while we waited for the train. Later that night my father called - he'd arrived an hour too late and my grandfather was gone. I remember sitting on the front porch with my siblings and my mom retelling stories and thinking about my dad. How hard that must have been for him.
The last time I saw my father he was in a nursing/rehab center and hooked up to oxygen. He'd been sick with emphyzema for a long time - a result of 40 plus years of smoking. He was so frail and looked old beyond his years - no longer the man whose bark I feared. My mom, my sister, me, and my son had gone out to see him because the nurse had called and said he'd taken a turn for the worse. You see he'd been told a couple days before that he only had 6 months left to live. I think this is when he finally gave himself permission to let go, and when I saw him that day I looked at him and more or less told him with my eyes that it was ok to let go. I'm grateful that I got to see him that one last time and in my mind when I picture him leaving; I picture my grandparents and great grandmother coming to get him and leading him into Heaven.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well mostly it's because I loved my father and want others to know about him - he was a phenomenal man. However it's also to remind you that no matter how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive, if you live in a big house; in the end it means nothing. To quote a song "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind, it's what you leave behind you when you go". I thank God everyday for the memories that my father left me that live in my heart. So if you love someone - tell them every chance you get because tomorrow is never promised.
However, in my process I've found a lot of good memories. Whether it be in old photos, or a drawing, or heck even an outfit. Each thing holds a special place in our family, especially things concerning my father. We lost him 9 years ago May and though I still miss him every day, it's nice to now smile when I think about certain things. Like the way he used to stop what he was doing and start dancing any time he heard Bob Segar's Old Time A Rock N Roll and I mean - whatever he was doing. I remember him scaring the crap out of my sister because he was driving and let go of the wheel and started dancing because it was on. Needless to say we all survived ;-)
Recently I found a note that he'd written to my brother; not sure what it was for but I knew my brother would want to keep it so I took it and placed it on his dresser without saying a word. He asked my mom about it and she told him that I'd come across it; he hasn't said a word to me, but I know he treasures it because I know I would. I know most dads, and most guys in general are not very demonstrative ppl and often have a tough time showing their emotions. Not my dad; you see my father lost his mother when he was a mere 10 years old. With three kids (my dad being the oldest) my grandfather moved in with his mother so that she could help raise them while he worked at the coal mines day in and day out. Now only having vague memories of my grandfather I don't know that he was ever an emotional person, but I can imagine that losing your life partner will change you in some way. Either way, he was never very demonstrative with his kids and not really emotional with them. Sure he provided for them financially and took care of all his responsibilities, but that was where it ended I think. Because of this, my dad decided to be quite the opposite with his kids. There are not enough fingers and toes in the world to count the number of times my father hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me, said he was proud of me, etc etc. Sure he was a force to be reckoned with when he was pissed at you; mostly because he knew that you could do better. Hell I was 22 and living on my own but was scared to death to tell my Dad that I was having a child out of wedlock. However at the end of the day, he had his say and it was over - was estatic when my son was born just as with all his grandkids. It was the same way he was with my mom; he loved her like Romeo loved Juliet, but he also fought with her like a sworn enemy sometimes. But my parents loved each other - anyone that knew them could tell you that.
Like with any parent; there were many an embarrassing moment with my dad. There wasn't just the dancing, there was the yelling at me from the sidelines when I missed a fly ball while playing right field, the time my brother got hit by a pitch and my father carried him off the field - my brother scowling the entire time. The time he tried to write himself a check while my mom was out of town. He'd made it out to cash and forgotten to sign the back; the teller sent it back and asked him to sign it and he said the hell with it and tore it up and left (can you tell my mom handled the bills?). The time my brother got a car axle stuck in his foot and my dad raced over to the church where my mom was on retreat like the house was on fire. There were the "disussions" with my sisters - more like the latest political debates as both of them like to argue, but Dad always respected their opinions. The main thing I think to him, as he said often enough was "At least my kids are still talking to me".
Then there's Clint Eastwood - my father's icon; I can't tell you how many times on a Saturday you'd better pray there was something on t.v.; otherwise you'd be treated to a Clint Eastwood marathon. Everytime I hear the music from The Good The Bad and The Ugly I smile because I remember how much it used to irritate me when he used to watch it. If any of you have seen it you know that it's the same musical score throughout the ENTIRE movie. Despite his love of Clint Eastwood movies, which I'll forgive Dad was a brilliant man; he could do math like noone's business (he was a draftsman) though don't ever ask him to teach it. I can't remember the number of times he TRIED to help me with my math homework ( I SUCK at Math) but we could never understand each other and eventually we both gave up on that LOL His other talent was drawing (again another trait I didn't inherit); he LOVED it. His dream was to one day work for Walt Disney, but I think his lack of self confidence held him back from going for it. This is funny because he's also the person that taught me to be positive and believe in myself. I don't know how many times he would say Karyn, it's the power of postive thinking when I would accomplish something I'd didn't think I'd be able to do. It took me a long time to realize that you do attract what you put out there, but Dad I finally get it!
Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've been through because it was also the time that I had my son and was in a rocky relationship with my ex. However, the one thing that I will always cherish is the fact that my son got to meet him, and I got to say goodbye. You see my father never had that opportunity with his own father; my grandfather lived 5 hours away, and though we couldn't afford to all go my mom got my dad on a train to see him because we knew it was near the end. I still remember going to the train station and sharing a 7up with my younger brother while we waited for the train. Later that night my father called - he'd arrived an hour too late and my grandfather was gone. I remember sitting on the front porch with my siblings and my mom retelling stories and thinking about my dad. How hard that must have been for him.
The last time I saw my father he was in a nursing/rehab center and hooked up to oxygen. He'd been sick with emphyzema for a long time - a result of 40 plus years of smoking. He was so frail and looked old beyond his years - no longer the man whose bark I feared. My mom, my sister, me, and my son had gone out to see him because the nurse had called and said he'd taken a turn for the worse. You see he'd been told a couple days before that he only had 6 months left to live. I think this is when he finally gave himself permission to let go, and when I saw him that day I looked at him and more or less told him with my eyes that it was ok to let go. I'm grateful that I got to see him that one last time and in my mind when I picture him leaving; I picture my grandparents and great grandmother coming to get him and leading him into Heaven.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well mostly it's because I loved my father and want others to know about him - he was a phenomenal man. However it's also to remind you that no matter how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive, if you live in a big house; in the end it means nothing. To quote a song "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind, it's what you leave behind you when you go". I thank God everyday for the memories that my father left me that live in my heart. So if you love someone - tell them every chance you get because tomorrow is never promised.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Responsibility
We all have our responsibilities: Pay the bills, take the kids to school, meetings at work. However that is not the responsibility I'm talking about here; I'm refering to responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's The Little Things
Lately it seems like I've begun a journey of change; changing my health, the things I hold onto, and the things that I value. However I've come to realize that if I look at the big picture, I get discouraged; so I've decided to concentrate on the little things. For example, instead of concentrating on all the weight I have to lose I celebrate the fact that I'm feeling better, I can now walk 3/4 of a mile, and I have more energy.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
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