Yes I know I've been missing from here, but as I just told a friend I've been busy; busy with life things in general. My son is thoroughly enjoying boy scouting, which is good, I've been taking everyone to the dr, and cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. As I mentioned before I've been cleaning the skeletons and lord knows what else out of our basement - I think Jimmy Hoffa might make an appearance soon LOL
However, in my process I've found a lot of good memories. Whether it be in old photos, or a drawing, or heck even an outfit. Each thing holds a special place in our family, especially things concerning my father. We lost him 9 years ago May and though I still miss him every day, it's nice to now smile when I think about certain things. Like the way he used to stop what he was doing and start dancing any time he heard Bob Segar's Old Time A Rock N Roll and I mean - whatever he was doing. I remember him scaring the crap out of my sister because he was driving and let go of the wheel and started dancing because it was on. Needless to say we all survived ;-)
Recently I found a note that he'd written to my brother; not sure what it was for but I knew my brother would want to keep it so I took it and placed it on his dresser without saying a word. He asked my mom about it and she told him that I'd come across it; he hasn't said a word to me, but I know he treasures it because I know I would. I know most dads, and most guys in general are not very demonstrative ppl and often have a tough time showing their emotions. Not my dad; you see my father lost his mother when he was a mere 10 years old. With three kids (my dad being the oldest) my grandfather moved in with his mother so that she could help raise them while he worked at the coal mines day in and day out. Now only having vague memories of my grandfather I don't know that he was ever an emotional person, but I can imagine that losing your life partner will change you in some way. Either way, he was never very demonstrative with his kids and not really emotional with them. Sure he provided for them financially and took care of all his responsibilities, but that was where it ended I think. Because of this, my dad decided to be quite the opposite with his kids. There are not enough fingers and toes in the world to count the number of times my father hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me, said he was proud of me, etc etc. Sure he was a force to be reckoned with when he was pissed at you; mostly because he knew that you could do better. Hell I was 22 and living on my own but was scared to death to tell my Dad that I was having a child out of wedlock. However at the end of the day, he had his say and it was over - was estatic when my son was born just as with all his grandkids. It was the same way he was with my mom; he loved her like Romeo loved Juliet, but he also fought with her like a sworn enemy sometimes. But my parents loved each other - anyone that knew them could tell you that.
Like with any parent; there were many an embarrassing moment with my dad. There wasn't just the dancing, there was the yelling at me from the sidelines when I missed a fly ball while playing right field, the time my brother got hit by a pitch and my father carried him off the field - my brother scowling the entire time. The time he tried to write himself a check while my mom was out of town. He'd made it out to cash and forgotten to sign the back; the teller sent it back and asked him to sign it and he said the hell with it and tore it up and left (can you tell my mom handled the bills?). The time my brother got a car axle stuck in his foot and my dad raced over to the church where my mom was on retreat like the house was on fire. There were the "disussions" with my sisters - more like the latest political debates as both of them like to argue, but Dad always respected their opinions. The main thing I think to him, as he said often enough was "At least my kids are still talking to me".
Then there's Clint Eastwood - my father's icon; I can't tell you how many times on a Saturday you'd better pray there was something on t.v.; otherwise you'd be treated to a Clint Eastwood marathon. Everytime I hear the music from The Good The Bad and The Ugly I smile because I remember how much it used to irritate me when he used to watch it. If any of you have seen it you know that it's the same musical score throughout the ENTIRE movie. Despite his love of Clint Eastwood movies, which I'll forgive Dad was a brilliant man; he could do math like noone's business (he was a draftsman) though don't ever ask him to teach it. I can't remember the number of times he TRIED to help me with my math homework ( I SUCK at Math) but we could never understand each other and eventually we both gave up on that LOL His other talent was drawing (again another trait I didn't inherit); he LOVED it. His dream was to one day work for Walt Disney, but I think his lack of self confidence held him back from going for it. This is funny because he's also the person that taught me to be positive and believe in myself. I don't know how many times he would say Karyn, it's the power of postive thinking when I would accomplish something I'd didn't think I'd be able to do. It took me a long time to realize that you do attract what you put out there, but Dad I finally get it!
Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've been through because it was also the time that I had my son and was in a rocky relationship with my ex. However, the one thing that I will always cherish is the fact that my son got to meet him, and I got to say goodbye. You see my father never had that opportunity with his own father; my grandfather lived 5 hours away, and though we couldn't afford to all go my mom got my dad on a train to see him because we knew it was near the end. I still remember going to the train station and sharing a 7up with my younger brother while we waited for the train. Later that night my father called - he'd arrived an hour too late and my grandfather was gone. I remember sitting on the front porch with my siblings and my mom retelling stories and thinking about my dad. How hard that must have been for him.
The last time I saw my father he was in a nursing/rehab center and hooked up to oxygen. He'd been sick with emphyzema for a long time - a result of 40 plus years of smoking. He was so frail and looked old beyond his years - no longer the man whose bark I feared. My mom, my sister, me, and my son had gone out to see him because the nurse had called and said he'd taken a turn for the worse. You see he'd been told a couple days before that he only had 6 months left to live. I think this is when he finally gave himself permission to let go, and when I saw him that day I looked at him and more or less told him with my eyes that it was ok to let go. I'm grateful that I got to see him that one last time and in my mind when I picture him leaving; I picture my grandparents and great grandmother coming to get him and leading him into Heaven.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well mostly it's because I loved my father and want others to know about him - he was a phenomenal man. However it's also to remind you that no matter how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive, if you live in a big house; in the end it means nothing. To quote a song "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind, it's what you leave behind you when you go". I thank God everyday for the memories that my father left me that live in my heart. So if you love someone - tell them every chance you get because tomorrow is never promised.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Responsibility
We all have our responsibilities: Pay the bills, take the kids to school, meetings at work. However that is not the responsibility I'm talking about here; I'm refering to responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's The Little Things
Lately it seems like I've begun a journey of change; changing my health, the things I hold onto, and the things that I value. However I've come to realize that if I look at the big picture, I get discouraged; so I've decided to concentrate on the little things. For example, instead of concentrating on all the weight I have to lose I celebrate the fact that I'm feeling better, I can now walk 3/4 of a mile, and I have more energy.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Trying
Today was one of those rollercoaster days; I had to take my mom to see her endocrinologist which most of the time is an all day process because she goes to the county hospital. I was shocked when we were in and out of there in an hour - this day was going awesome! That is until I realized that I was starving and yes I fell off of my horse and got KFC - why? Because my stomach was going to eat itself if I didn't get something and because after driving for two hours I was done. Basically I was hungry and weak and if you had put cheese on my arm I would have eaten it! Then it was time to pick up my son, get home, do homework, try and get some rest before he had scouts. Scouts was a mess that ended up running until 9pm which meant dinner was late and landed me where? You guessed it- at the drive thru.
I'm sitting here feeling the guilt - you know the one where you feel like OMG I've been doing so well and now I screwed up and what am I going to do? Well I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, have a healthy breakfast and be conscience of what I'm eating. I'm going to go through the day and TRY my best to make the right choices and keep moving (I did walk today btw so I can feel less guilty about a french fry or two lol). I'm finally learning what my parents told me and what I tell my son when it comes to doing things. Try your best; you may not be perfect at it, but at least you're trying.
This goes for all aspects of life; for me it's trying to maintain a way of life and become a healthier person. For others it could be learning a new sport, trying their hand at cooking, or even learning a new language. Yeah we may all suck at first - let's face it after 32 years of living life as an unhealthy person, I'm not gonna be Jillian Michaels overnight. The point is I'm making the effort to do it. There are many things ppl struggle with things, but the point is not to give up.
I am a HUGE baseball fan that bleeds Cubbie blue (yes there is a point here); on July 9, 2005 I was watching the Cubs v. Marlins game when a rookie just up from triple A was called to the plate to pinch hit. Adam Greenberg was taking his first at bat in the major leagues. What happened a few minutes later could be compared to the shot heard around the world. He was hit in the back of the head with a 92mph fastball and went down like a ton of bricks. Needless to say it was a long road back from there; to this day that was his only appearance in a major league game - he's often compared to Moonlight Graham (who only made one appearance for the NY Giants in 1905). However if you look up Adam now you'll find he's still bouncing around the minor leagues; he's spent countless hours working with trainors, doctors (he has positional vertigo so sometimes something as little as tying his shoes can make his eyes not focus) and even sports psychologists. In an interview he talked about how that one day was NOT going to define his career or be his 15 minutes of fame. He is still determined to make it in the majors - he's TRYING.
So no matter how bad you suck right now - don't give up. You CAN do it so long as you're trying; I think Woody Allen said it best when he said "90% of life is just showing up".
I'm sitting here feeling the guilt - you know the one where you feel like OMG I've been doing so well and now I screwed up and what am I going to do? Well I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, have a healthy breakfast and be conscience of what I'm eating. I'm going to go through the day and TRY my best to make the right choices and keep moving (I did walk today btw so I can feel less guilty about a french fry or two lol). I'm finally learning what my parents told me and what I tell my son when it comes to doing things. Try your best; you may not be perfect at it, but at least you're trying.
This goes for all aspects of life; for me it's trying to maintain a way of life and become a healthier person. For others it could be learning a new sport, trying their hand at cooking, or even learning a new language. Yeah we may all suck at first - let's face it after 32 years of living life as an unhealthy person, I'm not gonna be Jillian Michaels overnight. The point is I'm making the effort to do it. There are many things ppl struggle with things, but the point is not to give up.
I am a HUGE baseball fan that bleeds Cubbie blue (yes there is a point here); on July 9, 2005 I was watching the Cubs v. Marlins game when a rookie just up from triple A was called to the plate to pinch hit. Adam Greenberg was taking his first at bat in the major leagues. What happened a few minutes later could be compared to the shot heard around the world. He was hit in the back of the head with a 92mph fastball and went down like a ton of bricks. Needless to say it was a long road back from there; to this day that was his only appearance in a major league game - he's often compared to Moonlight Graham (who only made one appearance for the NY Giants in 1905). However if you look up Adam now you'll find he's still bouncing around the minor leagues; he's spent countless hours working with trainors, doctors (he has positional vertigo so sometimes something as little as tying his shoes can make his eyes not focus) and even sports psychologists. In an interview he talked about how that one day was NOT going to define his career or be his 15 minutes of fame. He is still determined to make it in the majors - he's TRYING.
So no matter how bad you suck right now - don't give up. You CAN do it so long as you're trying; I think Woody Allen said it best when he said "90% of life is just showing up".
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Random Things
Today is going to seem random, but I find that life itself is often a roller coaster ride of random events. How to begin; well I will say that my test results did reveal an infection for which I have meds (thank you GOD) and the dr I saw actually LISTENED to me when I told her about needing something to get me through the day to day. She not only gave me an antidepressant, but some anti anxiety for severe attacks. Now I'm not saying all my problems are going to be fixed with these pills, but it will make the world seem not so scary and overwhelming. Also in talking to my brother I am again not the only one; he told me that he too has had to talk himself down off an anxiety attack. We figure it must be hereditary as our father used to have REALLY bad attacks. All I can say is I've been his sister for 32 years, but there are still things I learn about not only my brother, but all my siblings everyday
Ah my siblings; we are as different as the stars in the sky. Sometimes so much that I find it hard to believe that all five of us came from the same two parents. However I have found that I connect with each of them on some level. With my oldest sister it's our liberal view of things and our ability to accept and appreciate others for their individuality. With my other sister it's the mom thing; we constantly rely on each other for advice and tips and well just a sounding board. With my younger brother it's well being the youngest two - we are only 2 years apart and our next oldest sibling is almost 5 years older than me so really it was always the two of us hanging out together or getting shoved in a stroller together when we were younger. Last but not least there is my older brother; I have found it hardest to make a connection with him. I think this stems from the fact that A. He's very much like our paternal grandfather who was not very social and B. He was in the Marine Corps and has learned to be closed off. Recently though I've had many conversations with him and have learned that we're more alike than I thought(i.e. anxiety attacks). But no matter how different we all are there's only one thing that matters: When push comes to shove we are THERE for each other.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I'd do without my family. Don't get me wrong, we are by NO means the Partridge Family, but when I went through my break up with my ex; they were there. When my son hurt himself and had to have surgery; they were there. When I lost my job, once again they were there reminding me that I was better off. They may piss me off, make me cry, drive me crazy, but they also dry those tears, make me laugh, and pick up the pieces when I feel like life has broken me. They are knuckleheads, but they are MY knuckleheads.
The same goes for my nephews and my son ("The Boys" as I like to call them collectively). They are all different, but they're family. There's the 12 year old (The aristocrat), who's really going on 40 with an old soul most of the time, but is secretly still a 12 year old worried about fitting in with his classmates. He may think he's a tough guy, but he's also the only one with enough patience to teach my son to ride his bike. Then there's his partner in crime and cousin my 11 year old nephew(The Academic). He is the quietly mature one - MOST of the time. He loves to read and is curious about everything; so much so that he's always asking questions and sometimes teaches me a thing or two. Next is my son who is 9(The Class Clown) who just loves to make everyone laugh. He drives them insane with his level of energy and constant talking, but at the end of the day everyone laughs and knows that's just him being himself and they wouldn't change it. Last, but certainly not least is the 7 year old (The Enforcer) who is a very sweet, sensitive kid, but will have no problem knocking your block off if it's warranted. We think he'll be the biggest out of all of them and will spend most of his time defending the sarcasm of his brother and cousins. Again they don't always get along, but they are THERE for each other. Whether it's defending each other against other kids, or merely helping to solve a video game crisis.
It warms my heart when I see the four of them playing together because it reminds me of my own siblings and how far we've come. It also makes me think that no matter how bad we think we are, you can look at the four of them and know that we did ok. Because we've all had an impact on them and their futures whether it be as parents or aunts and uncles and after seeing the four of them together I know the future is bright.
I know my family drives me crazy, but then I stop and think about the people that have noone in their lives. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had it not been for my family. I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate the family that you have because you never know when someone else is wishing that they had that very same thing.
Ah my siblings; we are as different as the stars in the sky. Sometimes so much that I find it hard to believe that all five of us came from the same two parents. However I have found that I connect with each of them on some level. With my oldest sister it's our liberal view of things and our ability to accept and appreciate others for their individuality. With my other sister it's the mom thing; we constantly rely on each other for advice and tips and well just a sounding board. With my younger brother it's well being the youngest two - we are only 2 years apart and our next oldest sibling is almost 5 years older than me so really it was always the two of us hanging out together or getting shoved in a stroller together when we were younger. Last but not least there is my older brother; I have found it hardest to make a connection with him. I think this stems from the fact that A. He's very much like our paternal grandfather who was not very social and B. He was in the Marine Corps and has learned to be closed off. Recently though I've had many conversations with him and have learned that we're more alike than I thought(i.e. anxiety attacks). But no matter how different we all are there's only one thing that matters: When push comes to shove we are THERE for each other.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I'd do without my family. Don't get me wrong, we are by NO means the Partridge Family, but when I went through my break up with my ex; they were there. When my son hurt himself and had to have surgery; they were there. When I lost my job, once again they were there reminding me that I was better off. They may piss me off, make me cry, drive me crazy, but they also dry those tears, make me laugh, and pick up the pieces when I feel like life has broken me. They are knuckleheads, but they are MY knuckleheads.
The same goes for my nephews and my son ("The Boys" as I like to call them collectively). They are all different, but they're family. There's the 12 year old (The aristocrat), who's really going on 40 with an old soul most of the time, but is secretly still a 12 year old worried about fitting in with his classmates. He may think he's a tough guy, but he's also the only one with enough patience to teach my son to ride his bike. Then there's his partner in crime and cousin my 11 year old nephew(The Academic). He is the quietly mature one - MOST of the time. He loves to read and is curious about everything; so much so that he's always asking questions and sometimes teaches me a thing or two. Next is my son who is 9(The Class Clown) who just loves to make everyone laugh. He drives them insane with his level of energy and constant talking, but at the end of the day everyone laughs and knows that's just him being himself and they wouldn't change it. Last, but certainly not least is the 7 year old (The Enforcer) who is a very sweet, sensitive kid, but will have no problem knocking your block off if it's warranted. We think he'll be the biggest out of all of them and will spend most of his time defending the sarcasm of his brother and cousins. Again they don't always get along, but they are THERE for each other. Whether it's defending each other against other kids, or merely helping to solve a video game crisis.
It warms my heart when I see the four of them playing together because it reminds me of my own siblings and how far we've come. It also makes me think that no matter how bad we think we are, you can look at the four of them and know that we did ok. Because we've all had an impact on them and their futures whether it be as parents or aunts and uncles and after seeing the four of them together I know the future is bright.
I know my family drives me crazy, but then I stop and think about the people that have noone in their lives. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had it not been for my family. I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate the family that you have because you never know when someone else is wishing that they had that very same thing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Decision is Yours
As I sit here, I will share with you that I just got a phone call from my dr. stating that my test results were in and that she wants to see me about them. Needless to say knowing that the dr. wants to see me about them freaks me out to no end; I mean if they were normal she'd tell me over the phone right? I'm sure it's merely an infection as I was out of the country a few months ago and she said often it does take some time to present itself.
My own opinion though is that it's probably anxiety and/or stress. Much to many ppl's surprise I do suffer from anxiety attacks now and then and recently since the loss of my job they've become more prevelent. I used to be able to control them by deep breathing and going to a place that was semi quiet (when I was working this was damn near impossible cuz I was usually at work when they struck). I still do deep breathing, have tried St. John's Wort, which for awhile helps. Lately though the paralyzing fear that comes with them has become almost unbearable; I find myself crying and thinking that all kinds of horrible things are going to happen. Luckily they usually go away within a half an hour, but that half an hour sometimes feels like days.
This being said, the last time that I went to see my endocrinologist about my thyroid (which is about the only dr I make sure and see on a regular basis) I asked him about possibly putting me on an anti - depressant or an anti - anxiety med short term til things started to ease up. After all not only have I lost my job, but my insurance, and I'm still caring for two ppl with their own issues. Anyway back to my dr. his answer? You just need a job......... Yes this is what my hippie Dr. told me; and he said it as though all of my problems would be magically whisked away if I got a job. Now I have nothing against natural remedies - remember I've tried these; however I think after 32 years in my own body I know what it's trying to tell me. I guess it made me angry because I was thinking you're not in my head when I feel paralyzed with fear and it feels like the world is crashing down on me.
Something similar happened about a month ago with a friend's boyfriend. He found out that my son was on ADHD meds and almost flipped out saying that these meds were going to fuck (pardon the language) my son up and make him zombie like or they were going to turn him into a drug addict. Now for those of you that know me personally know that this is a particularly touchy subject for me because of the fact that my son's father was indeed an addict. Taking a deep breath I looked at him and fired away. I explained that the meds he are on do NOT in fact make him a zombie and that I have tried many alternatives. However when you're afraid that your son is going to hurt himself or others or when he's screamed at you telling you that he wishes you were dead or that he wanted to kill himself - you do WHATEVER you have to to make things better. Also I don't just dope my kid up - he does cognitive therapy to help him express his anger and anxiety in more productive ways. I'm not saying this is the long term solution, or that he may never try to experiment with drugs. I pray every day that he does not, but I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed. HOWEVER this is what works for NOW.
Through these experiences I've realized not to let others decide what's good for me or what's good for my son - even if they do have a medical degree. I still plan on talking to my regular dr. about getting me something short term to help with the day to day. If you take nothing else away from this blog remember this: whether it be natural remedies or prescription drugs or therapies, don't ever let anyone else decide what's right for you or for your child. You know your body, you know your child - who better to judge what you need?
My own opinion though is that it's probably anxiety and/or stress. Much to many ppl's surprise I do suffer from anxiety attacks now and then and recently since the loss of my job they've become more prevelent. I used to be able to control them by deep breathing and going to a place that was semi quiet (when I was working this was damn near impossible cuz I was usually at work when they struck). I still do deep breathing, have tried St. John's Wort, which for awhile helps. Lately though the paralyzing fear that comes with them has become almost unbearable; I find myself crying and thinking that all kinds of horrible things are going to happen. Luckily they usually go away within a half an hour, but that half an hour sometimes feels like days.
This being said, the last time that I went to see my endocrinologist about my thyroid (which is about the only dr I make sure and see on a regular basis) I asked him about possibly putting me on an anti - depressant or an anti - anxiety med short term til things started to ease up. After all not only have I lost my job, but my insurance, and I'm still caring for two ppl with their own issues. Anyway back to my dr. his answer? You just need a job......... Yes this is what my hippie Dr. told me; and he said it as though all of my problems would be magically whisked away if I got a job. Now I have nothing against natural remedies - remember I've tried these; however I think after 32 years in my own body I know what it's trying to tell me. I guess it made me angry because I was thinking you're not in my head when I feel paralyzed with fear and it feels like the world is crashing down on me.
Something similar happened about a month ago with a friend's boyfriend. He found out that my son was on ADHD meds and almost flipped out saying that these meds were going to fuck (pardon the language) my son up and make him zombie like or they were going to turn him into a drug addict. Now for those of you that know me personally know that this is a particularly touchy subject for me because of the fact that my son's father was indeed an addict. Taking a deep breath I looked at him and fired away. I explained that the meds he are on do NOT in fact make him a zombie and that I have tried many alternatives. However when you're afraid that your son is going to hurt himself or others or when he's screamed at you telling you that he wishes you were dead or that he wanted to kill himself - you do WHATEVER you have to to make things better. Also I don't just dope my kid up - he does cognitive therapy to help him express his anger and anxiety in more productive ways. I'm not saying this is the long term solution, or that he may never try to experiment with drugs. I pray every day that he does not, but I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed. HOWEVER this is what works for NOW.
Through these experiences I've realized not to let others decide what's good for me or what's good for my son - even if they do have a medical degree. I still plan on talking to my regular dr. about getting me something short term to help with the day to day. If you take nothing else away from this blog remember this: whether it be natural remedies or prescription drugs or therapies, don't ever let anyone else decide what's right for you or for your child. You know your body, you know your child - who better to judge what you need?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The two F's: Failure and Forgiveness
As I sit here typing this I'm reminded of the pizza and pop I consumed at my nephew's birthday party and want to berate myself. I've been trying to get healthier, and it's been working so far this week - I walked 4 days and have really been watching what I eat. Today however was a weak day, but then I thought about it and discovered what many people already knew: I'm not perfect! I'm gonna have days where I fail and I'm gonna have days where I rock; I just have to take it day by day. Not only with myself, but with others as well.
The break up I had with my ex was not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. I've been angry for a long time about it; not just at him, but at myself. I was upset with myself because in my eyes somehow I failed because I couldn't make the relationship work. Yes I could blame him for a lot, but I couldn't blame him for how I felt about myself. Then I realized that I didn't necessarily fail, but I succeeded - I succeeded at becoming a strong woman who stood on her own two feet and is raising a child all on her own. So I forgave myself and forged ahead. There's still days where I feel like a failure: When my kid brings home an F or is in one of his rages where he's throwing things, or when he can't figure out why his father doesn't want to be around him, and even something as simple as having to rely on help from others because I'm not currently working. In all these ways I feel like I failed my child.However I have to stop and remind myself again that I'm human; kids are gonna get F's, and my son's gonna have issues because of his disorders, but I'm getting the help that he needs for it. As far as work is concerned I'm looking for a job and asking for help is part of being a strong woman and putting my kid ahead of my own pride. As far as his father is concerned: HE'S the failure, NOT me.
This is one area I have to REALLY work on with forgiveness. I've spent many years being angry and resentful towards my ex; some for good reasons others just because it was easier for me to blame him for what I was feeling. Recently I've learned that harboring all this anger and resentment towards him is doing nothing to help me; in fact it only makes me more stressed and well it's not bothering him any. So slowly but surely I'm learning to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. Now don't get me wrong - are there days where I'd like to shove his balls in a vice? YES but I'm learning how to deal with it and let it go. Part of me actually feels sorry for my ex because one day when he's old and grey he's going to realize all the wonderful things he missed out on when he chose other things over our son. The other part of me is eternally grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy.
The bottom line that I'm trying to get across with all of this is learn to accept the failures in your life and turn them into learning opportunities. Learn to accept that people are only human; no more no less. Now I'm not saying forgiveness is easy, or that it's always warranted but I do know that harboring anger and resentment is a waste of time and energy. It can zap the life out of you and life is short enough - why spend it being angry?
The break up I had with my ex was not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. I've been angry for a long time about it; not just at him, but at myself. I was upset with myself because in my eyes somehow I failed because I couldn't make the relationship work. Yes I could blame him for a lot, but I couldn't blame him for how I felt about myself. Then I realized that I didn't necessarily fail, but I succeeded - I succeeded at becoming a strong woman who stood on her own two feet and is raising a child all on her own. So I forgave myself and forged ahead. There's still days where I feel like a failure: When my kid brings home an F or is in one of his rages where he's throwing things, or when he can't figure out why his father doesn't want to be around him, and even something as simple as having to rely on help from others because I'm not currently working. In all these ways I feel like I failed my child.However I have to stop and remind myself again that I'm human; kids are gonna get F's, and my son's gonna have issues because of his disorders, but I'm getting the help that he needs for it. As far as work is concerned I'm looking for a job and asking for help is part of being a strong woman and putting my kid ahead of my own pride. As far as his father is concerned: HE'S the failure, NOT me.
This is one area I have to REALLY work on with forgiveness. I've spent many years being angry and resentful towards my ex; some for good reasons others just because it was easier for me to blame him for what I was feeling. Recently I've learned that harboring all this anger and resentment towards him is doing nothing to help me; in fact it only makes me more stressed and well it's not bothering him any. So slowly but surely I'm learning to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. Now don't get me wrong - are there days where I'd like to shove his balls in a vice? YES but I'm learning how to deal with it and let it go. Part of me actually feels sorry for my ex because one day when he's old and grey he's going to realize all the wonderful things he missed out on when he chose other things over our son. The other part of me is eternally grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy.
The bottom line that I'm trying to get across with all of this is learn to accept the failures in your life and turn them into learning opportunities. Learn to accept that people are only human; no more no less. Now I'm not saying forgiveness is easy, or that it's always warranted but I do know that harboring anger and resentment is a waste of time and energy. It can zap the life out of you and life is short enough - why spend it being angry?
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