The Decision is Yours

As I sit here, I will share with you that I just got a phone call from my dr. stating that my test results were in and that she wants to see me about them. Needless to say knowing that the dr. wants to see me about them freaks me out to no end; I mean if they were normal she'd tell me over the phone right? I'm sure it's merely an infection as I was out of the country a few months ago and she said often it does take some time to present itself.

My own opinion though is that it's probably anxiety and/or stress. Much to many ppl's surprise I do suffer from anxiety attacks now and then and recently since the loss of my job they've become more prevelent. I used to be able to control them by deep breathing and going to a place that was semi quiet (when I was working this was damn near impossible cuz I was usually at work when they struck). I still do deep breathing, have tried St. John's Wort, which for awhile helps. Lately though the paralyzing fear that comes with them has become almost unbearable; I find myself crying and thinking that all kinds of horrible things are going to happen. Luckily they usually go away within a half an hour, but that half an hour sometimes feels like days.

This being said, the last time that I went to see my endocrinologist about my thyroid (which is about the only dr I make sure and see on a regular basis) I asked him about possibly putting me on an anti - depressant or an anti - anxiety med short term til things started to ease up. After all not only have I lost my job, but my insurance, and I'm still caring for two ppl with their own issues. Anyway back to my dr. his answer? You just need a job......... Yes this is what my hippie Dr. told me; and he said it as though all of my problems would be magically whisked away if I got a job. Now I have nothing against natural remedies - remember I've tried these; however I think after 32 years in my own body I know what it's trying to tell me. I guess it made me angry because I was thinking you're not in my head when I feel paralyzed with fear and it feels like the world is crashing down on me.

Something similar happened about a month ago with a friend's boyfriend. He found out that my son was on ADHD meds and almost flipped out saying that these meds were going to fuck (pardon the language) my son up and make him zombie like or they were going to turn him into a drug addict. Now for those of you that know me personally know that this is a particularly touchy subject for me because of the fact that my son's father was indeed an addict. Taking a deep breath I looked at him and fired away. I explained that the meds he are on do NOT in fact make him a zombie and that I have tried many alternatives. However when you're afraid that your son is going to hurt himself or others or when he's screamed at you telling you that he wishes you were dead or that he wanted to kill himself - you do WHATEVER you have to to make things better. Also I don't just dope my kid up - he does cognitive therapy to help him express his anger and anxiety in more productive ways. I'm not saying this is the long term solution, or that he may never try to experiment with drugs. I pray every day that he does not, but I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed. HOWEVER this is what works for NOW.

Through these experiences I've realized not to let others decide what's good for me or what's good for my son - even if they do have a medical degree. I still plan on talking to my regular dr. about getting me something short term to help with the day to day. If you take nothing else away from this blog remember this: whether it be natural remedies or prescription drugs or therapies, don't ever let anyone else decide what's right for you or for your child. You know your body, you know your child - who better to judge what you need?