As I sit here typing this I'm reminded of the pizza and pop I consumed at my nephew's birthday party and want to berate myself. I've been trying to get healthier, and it's been working so far this week - I walked 4 days and have really been watching what I eat. Today however was a weak day, but then I thought about it and discovered what many people already knew: I'm not perfect! I'm gonna have days where I fail and I'm gonna have days where I rock; I just have to take it day by day. Not only with myself, but with others as well.
The break up I had with my ex was not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. I've been angry for a long time about it; not just at him, but at myself. I was upset with myself because in my eyes somehow I failed because I couldn't make the relationship work. Yes I could blame him for a lot, but I couldn't blame him for how I felt about myself. Then I realized that I didn't necessarily fail, but I succeeded - I succeeded at becoming a strong woman who stood on her own two feet and is raising a child all on her own. So I forgave myself and forged ahead. There's still days where I feel like a failure: When my kid brings home an F or is in one of his rages where he's throwing things, or when he can't figure out why his father doesn't want to be around him, and even something as simple as having to rely on help from others because I'm not currently working. In all these ways I feel like I failed my child.However I have to stop and remind myself again that I'm human; kids are gonna get F's, and my son's gonna have issues because of his disorders, but I'm getting the help that he needs for it. As far as work is concerned I'm looking for a job and asking for help is part of being a strong woman and putting my kid ahead of my own pride. As far as his father is concerned: HE'S the failure, NOT me.
This is one area I have to REALLY work on with forgiveness. I've spent many years being angry and resentful towards my ex; some for good reasons others just because it was easier for me to blame him for what I was feeling. Recently I've learned that harboring all this anger and resentment towards him is doing nothing to help me; in fact it only makes me more stressed and well it's not bothering him any. So slowly but surely I'm learning to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. Now don't get me wrong - are there days where I'd like to shove his balls in a vice? YES but I'm learning how to deal with it and let it go. Part of me actually feels sorry for my ex because one day when he's old and grey he's going to realize all the wonderful things he missed out on when he chose other things over our son. The other part of me is eternally grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy.
The bottom line that I'm trying to get across with all of this is learn to accept the failures in your life and turn them into learning opportunities. Learn to accept that people are only human; no more no less. Now I'm not saying forgiveness is easy, or that it's always warranted but I do know that harboring anger and resentment is a waste of time and energy. It can zap the life out of you and life is short enough - why spend it being angry?
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