I realize that it's been quite awhile since I last stepped into the world of blogging. I've been going through some personal issues and I will admit it, feeling sorry for myself. There have been times that I think there is noone that has problems worse than I do, or I think I really don't give a crap how well someone else is doing. To those people who I've thought that I about - you have my sincerist apologies; the fact of the matter is that I was jealous of those people. Jealous of the fact that they were doing so well and here I was one bad thing after another kept happening to me. Why me? I'd ask myself - when is it MY turn?
Luckily over the last week or so I've come to realize that I really need to get over myself. I love to watch the show Dancing With The Stars, but this season really affected me because of JR Martinez. Many of you know that he is an Iraq War vet who was burned over 50% of his body. Well he recovered and became an actor, motivational speaker and now DWTS champion. Sometimes I stop and think about him or the children at St Jude Children's Research Hospital and think OMG I am being SO petty! So I've had to deal with some medical issues - at least they didn't entail being burned over half my body or God forbid having to fight cancer.
My son said something to me tonight that REALLY pushed everything home for me. I was mixing dough with my new (to me) stand mixer that someone generously gave me and he said "Wow mom you have a really great life", it caught me off guard and I half laughed and said "Oh really what makes you say that?" his response? "Well you have this new mixer, you're a great baker, a good cook, and you have love" in that moment I realized that he was right. Do I wish I had more money so I didn't have to worry about bills? YES - who doesn't? Do I wish I had a perfect marriage to a great guy - sometimes. Do I wish that my house wasn't falling down around my ears? Of course Do I wish I could fit into a size 10? HELL YEAH. There are times I wish all these things, but in that instant I realized that I do have a pretty great life. I have people who love me, a roof over my head, food (sometimes too much) to eat, and clothes on my back. So this Thanksgiving I am going to be grateful for the life I have today - because there are people who aren't so lucky.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Ten Years Later
Growing up I always listened to my mom talk about how she'd always remember where she was and what she was doing when JFK was assassinated; back then I never realized why it was so significant for her, that is until September 11, 2001.
I was 6 months pregnant with my son and for whatever reason I had decided not to watch the news; even though that's what I usually did as I was getting ready for work. Only having one car at the time and working in opposite directions I had relied on my mom for a ride to work that day. When she picked me up she said a plane hit one of the World Trade Center towers in NYC they think it's terrorists and they don't know how they're going to get to the people in the floors above. I will admit, at that time I really had only a vague idea of what the World Trade Center was but still thought OMG how awful. Little did I know how awful it would get. I remember getting to work, which was only a 20-30 minute drive and telling my co worker at the time what my mom had just told me. She looked at me and said you haven't heard? The towers fell, one plane hit the Pentagon and there's another missing. By this time I was scared shitless as I relayed to my mom (who had stopped back in after going to the grocery store next door) and I remember telling her that the US was basically under attack. My boss had the radio on the whole day so that we could get up to the min info; and I remember trying to cover my fear with humor which fell flat. By this time they were evacuating any buildings over a certain story which included the nearby college and all I could think about at the time was OMG all my siblings work downtown. At that time the country had no idea if this was it or if there were other targets (living in Chicago we were assuming that we were a possibility).
In the days that followed I got the true impact of what had happened. Watching all the news coverage I was both horrified and proud. Horrified at the tragedy that had happened and proud of the unity that our country had formed. You constantly were hearing about people banning together to get people out, to help one another. None more powerful than the people that banneded together on flight 93 who refused to let their plane take out what has been assumed to be the White House. It wasn't only the US either - I remember hearing a story of a Canadian town where the townspeople took in US citizens whose flight had been grounded that day. People from around the world were uniting together. Watching news coverage day after day there was always a new story, someone else giving their reaction. For me there was none more powerful than the reaction of what looked to be about a 12 year old boy who was literally shaking with anger and said "They hit the Pentagon; they hit the nerve center of our military" in a how DARE they voice. I also remember hearing about the President's reaction; now say what you will about George W Bush - Lord knows I'm a Democrat but I will ALWAYS respect that man for that day. He was reading to a room full of Florida second graders when he was informed that the US was under attack - how does one react and NOT scare those children? Well he figured it out because he did it with grace and finesse.
I will admit after that first month, the events of that day moved to the back of my mind - not because I wanted to forget, but because my own life was falling apart. I was having my first child and in those next 8 months my son would be born, my father would pass away, and my relationship with my fiance would come to an end. However the day was never completely forgotten, and since then I often think about that day and even have a People magazine that I kept that I sometimes look at. I never want to forget the day that I saw the worst and the best in people. Now ten years later I think about how NYC has recovered and is moving forward - the video coverage of the new reflecting pool memorials is absolutely stunning. I hope one day to bring my son there to see that, the lonely field in Shanksville, PA, and as close to the Pentagon as they'll allow. If it's anything like the time I saw the traveling Vietnam Wall I will be a sobbing mess. I don't know what it was but when you're in the presence of it you can almost feel the souls of the names on that wall.
This day will forever remain in our hearts and memories - a day when we were truly one nation. Unfortunately it took this tragedy for us to unite, and now ten years later I feel like that unity has wained. We no longer give a shit about the person next to us on the train, we still view Muslims as the bad guys because yes a dozen people speak for an entire nation. We forget about the soldiers who are still overseas fighting for our daily freedoms - that is until we heard they finally killed Osama Bin Ladin and after that it was five minutes of elation and then back to the hum drum of daily life. If anyone takes away anything from this, let it be to live life to the fullest and have tolerance hell CARE about each other - even if it's something as simple as letting the person who has one thing go ahead of you at the grocery store because as I just heard a 9/11 survivor say "As long as there's not a plane coming into this building you're having a good day"
I was 6 months pregnant with my son and for whatever reason I had decided not to watch the news; even though that's what I usually did as I was getting ready for work. Only having one car at the time and working in opposite directions I had relied on my mom for a ride to work that day. When she picked me up she said a plane hit one of the World Trade Center towers in NYC they think it's terrorists and they don't know how they're going to get to the people in the floors above. I will admit, at that time I really had only a vague idea of what the World Trade Center was but still thought OMG how awful. Little did I know how awful it would get. I remember getting to work, which was only a 20-30 minute drive and telling my co worker at the time what my mom had just told me. She looked at me and said you haven't heard? The towers fell, one plane hit the Pentagon and there's another missing. By this time I was scared shitless as I relayed to my mom (who had stopped back in after going to the grocery store next door) and I remember telling her that the US was basically under attack. My boss had the radio on the whole day so that we could get up to the min info; and I remember trying to cover my fear with humor which fell flat. By this time they were evacuating any buildings over a certain story which included the nearby college and all I could think about at the time was OMG all my siblings work downtown. At that time the country had no idea if this was it or if there were other targets (living in Chicago we were assuming that we were a possibility).
In the days that followed I got the true impact of what had happened. Watching all the news coverage I was both horrified and proud. Horrified at the tragedy that had happened and proud of the unity that our country had formed. You constantly were hearing about people banning together to get people out, to help one another. None more powerful than the people that banneded together on flight 93 who refused to let their plane take out what has been assumed to be the White House. It wasn't only the US either - I remember hearing a story of a Canadian town where the townspeople took in US citizens whose flight had been grounded that day. People from around the world were uniting together. Watching news coverage day after day there was always a new story, someone else giving their reaction. For me there was none more powerful than the reaction of what looked to be about a 12 year old boy who was literally shaking with anger and said "They hit the Pentagon; they hit the nerve center of our military" in a how DARE they voice. I also remember hearing about the President's reaction; now say what you will about George W Bush - Lord knows I'm a Democrat but I will ALWAYS respect that man for that day. He was reading to a room full of Florida second graders when he was informed that the US was under attack - how does one react and NOT scare those children? Well he figured it out because he did it with grace and finesse.
I will admit after that first month, the events of that day moved to the back of my mind - not because I wanted to forget, but because my own life was falling apart. I was having my first child and in those next 8 months my son would be born, my father would pass away, and my relationship with my fiance would come to an end. However the day was never completely forgotten, and since then I often think about that day and even have a People magazine that I kept that I sometimes look at. I never want to forget the day that I saw the worst and the best in people. Now ten years later I think about how NYC has recovered and is moving forward - the video coverage of the new reflecting pool memorials is absolutely stunning. I hope one day to bring my son there to see that, the lonely field in Shanksville, PA, and as close to the Pentagon as they'll allow. If it's anything like the time I saw the traveling Vietnam Wall I will be a sobbing mess. I don't know what it was but when you're in the presence of it you can almost feel the souls of the names on that wall.
This day will forever remain in our hearts and memories - a day when we were truly one nation. Unfortunately it took this tragedy for us to unite, and now ten years later I feel like that unity has wained. We no longer give a shit about the person next to us on the train, we still view Muslims as the bad guys because yes a dozen people speak for an entire nation. We forget about the soldiers who are still overseas fighting for our daily freedoms - that is until we heard they finally killed Osama Bin Ladin and after that it was five minutes of elation and then back to the hum drum of daily life. If anyone takes away anything from this, let it be to live life to the fullest and have tolerance hell CARE about each other - even if it's something as simple as letting the person who has one thing go ahead of you at the grocery store because as I just heard a 9/11 survivor say "As long as there's not a plane coming into this building you're having a good day"
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Call Me Old Fashioned
There are days when I wish I'd grown up in the era of Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Ingrid Bergman, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate the advancements we've made politically, etc since the 40's and 50's; however back then people knew how to speak and men knew how to treat women.
Recently I joined a dating site because well quite frankly life gets kind of lonely and I can be a shy person (shocking I know) so sometimes speaking over the internet is easier for me. Now that being said I can honestly say that we as a society have become dumber and dumber. Just going by some of the screennames that these people come up with? Pdidey? The1foru? Thickgallover? I mean really you couldn't come up with something halfway decent? Oh and sending someone a message that simply reads mmmmmmmmm does not make them want to contact you. Sadly though it's not just on the internet I've heard "Hey baby what's yo numba?" in person as well. Along with "mmmmm......I like my women thick" to which my sister kindly replied "Too bad I don't like my men stupid".
Unfortunately it's not just with guys either; a friend told me that recently she saw some guys use similar lines on her sister and sister in law and they giggled away and flirted back. Now often I've been told I give off the bitch vibe to guys and that's why men find me unapproachable. However for me it's more of a I'm not gonna fall for every man that says hi to me - you need to work for it a little bit. Why? Because I'm worth working for damn it. Which brings me to my other point; why is it that to guys fat=desperate? Because I'm heavy I must not be getting any action? I must be so full of low self esteem that I'll just latch onto anyone? Sorry to disappoint you but that's simply not true with this gal. Also, why is it perfectly acceptable for a thin woman to date an overweight man, but taboo for a thin man to date an overweight woman? Just the same way as it's ok for Hugh Hefner to date women 50 years younger than him, but if say Debbie Reynolds tried the same thing she'd be seen as a cougar or a cradle robber whereas Hugh is seen as a god for it. What people fail to stop and think is that I've found more women pay less attention to looks and age than men do. We look for things like - does he love his family? How does he treat his kids? Is he ambitious? Not damn he looks really hot in those 501s.
Now I'm not saying that physical attraction has nothing to do with finding a mate. Or that all men are shallow and all women are not. These are simply things I've observed and how I am in my life. I'm a very open person - most people have a "type" that they go for i.e. tall dark and handsome, blonde, brunette, etc. However through simply looking at the men I find attractive; my spectrum covers a wide range of "types". I'll give you a few examples of actors/entertainers I find attractive:Keanu Reeves, Shemar Moore, Justin Timberlake, Kevin James, Randy Travis, and current Mayor of Chicago Rahm Emmanuel. Now if you know any or all of these men you know none of the two are alike.
I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that noone tries anymore. Men think that all they have to do is ask for a girl's number and she'll sleep with him or a woman thinks that all she has to do is bat her eyelashes and a man should sleep with her or buy her whatever she wants. Lord help you if you're not sleeping together within the first month. I mean whatever happened to saying Hi how are you? Or bringing a woman flowers and expecting nothing in return? Or asking him how his day was? Holding hands? Call me old fashioned but these are the things that I look for. Right now I'm feeling defeated but I have to hold onto these ideals and think that there is someone out there that feels the same way I do.
So the next time you go to talk to someone - whether you're hitting on them or not why don't you just start with hello?
Recently I joined a dating site because well quite frankly life gets kind of lonely and I can be a shy person (shocking I know) so sometimes speaking over the internet is easier for me. Now that being said I can honestly say that we as a society have become dumber and dumber. Just going by some of the screennames that these people come up with? Pdidey? The1foru? Thickgallover? I mean really you couldn't come up with something halfway decent? Oh and sending someone a message that simply reads mmmmmmmmm does not make them want to contact you. Sadly though it's not just on the internet I've heard "Hey baby what's yo numba?" in person as well. Along with "mmmmm......I like my women thick" to which my sister kindly replied "Too bad I don't like my men stupid".
Unfortunately it's not just with guys either; a friend told me that recently she saw some guys use similar lines on her sister and sister in law and they giggled away and flirted back. Now often I've been told I give off the bitch vibe to guys and that's why men find me unapproachable. However for me it's more of a I'm not gonna fall for every man that says hi to me - you need to work for it a little bit. Why? Because I'm worth working for damn it. Which brings me to my other point; why is it that to guys fat=desperate? Because I'm heavy I must not be getting any action? I must be so full of low self esteem that I'll just latch onto anyone? Sorry to disappoint you but that's simply not true with this gal. Also, why is it perfectly acceptable for a thin woman to date an overweight man, but taboo for a thin man to date an overweight woman? Just the same way as it's ok for Hugh Hefner to date women 50 years younger than him, but if say Debbie Reynolds tried the same thing she'd be seen as a cougar or a cradle robber whereas Hugh is seen as a god for it. What people fail to stop and think is that I've found more women pay less attention to looks and age than men do. We look for things like - does he love his family? How does he treat his kids? Is he ambitious? Not damn he looks really hot in those 501s.
Now I'm not saying that physical attraction has nothing to do with finding a mate. Or that all men are shallow and all women are not. These are simply things I've observed and how I am in my life. I'm a very open person - most people have a "type" that they go for i.e. tall dark and handsome, blonde, brunette, etc. However through simply looking at the men I find attractive; my spectrum covers a wide range of "types". I'll give you a few examples of actors/entertainers I find attractive:Keanu Reeves, Shemar Moore, Justin Timberlake, Kevin James, Randy Travis, and current Mayor of Chicago Rahm Emmanuel. Now if you know any or all of these men you know none of the two are alike.
I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that noone tries anymore. Men think that all they have to do is ask for a girl's number and she'll sleep with him or a woman thinks that all she has to do is bat her eyelashes and a man should sleep with her or buy her whatever she wants. Lord help you if you're not sleeping together within the first month. I mean whatever happened to saying Hi how are you? Or bringing a woman flowers and expecting nothing in return? Or asking him how his day was? Holding hands? Call me old fashioned but these are the things that I look for. Right now I'm feeling defeated but I have to hold onto these ideals and think that there is someone out there that feels the same way I do.
So the next time you go to talk to someone - whether you're hitting on them or not why don't you just start with hello?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Narrowmindedness
Ok so I know I've disappeared for a long while and I'm not going to into the details of why because well it's just not that exciting. However what I will talk about is something that struck a chord with me today. What it boils down to is narrowmindedness; this is something I cannot stand.
There's been so much of it going on lately it makes me sick; especially with several states passing and/or drafting gay marriage or gay civil union bills (Thank God I live in a state that had the brains to have at least a civil union bill). What gets me is people that bash other people simply based on the fact that they are gay. Nevermind that your bible thumping do gooder neighbor could be raping women but at least he's not gay right? The same thing goes for judging people based on their race, religion, or culture. Who gave you the right to judge ANYONE? What suddenly made you the authority on everything known to man? Doesn't the Bible say let he who is without sin cast the first stone?
Whats even worse is the people that don't know they're biased or haven't come to terms with it. I'm sorry if you say things like "You know the girl with the black kids" when a woman has mixed children or "I'm not racist, but" sorry Charlie that says right there that you are biased. Now am I perfect? HELL NO but I like to think that I'm open minded enough to judge people on their words, acts, behaviors, etc rather than whether or not they're black or white, gay or straight, or Christian or Muslim.
Now a lot of people will cite their religion as their reasoning, but then do you just blindly follow it or do you question things? I'm a Catholic, but do I believe the Bible word for word? No I do not - if I did I'd be getting stoned right now for having a child out of wedlock or be stuck walking 50ft behind every man in the world, which for those of you that know me know that ain't gonna happen. First of all The Bible was written by man who is not perfect, second it was an interpretation of what different individuals experienced, and third it's been translated into God only knows how many different languages. Plus they had to narrow down what gospels, etc that they were going to put in there otherwise it'd be as long as all get out. Not many ppl know that there are gospels written by Mary Magdalene and her experiences with Jesus, and let us not forget St. Thomas Aquinas who's gospels are not even acknowledged by the church, but I think he says it best when it says (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Church is not in a building, but it is all around you" What that means to me is you can pray in the bathroom and God will still hear you.
Ok let me get back to my original point which is basically jump into 2011 - this is not the 1960's. Stop judging people based on what they believe or who they love, or the color of their skin. I thank The Lord everyday that he gave me parents that taught me to think for myself and not judge others. There are two stories of sorts that I would like to share about my family that will help you understand what I mean about being non judgmental and about how if you do judge - you'll get yours. The first one is about a friend of my grandparents who worked at the mill with them. He was a black man and it was the 60's, which meant it was virtually unheard of for him to go to my grandparents house (For those of you who don't know me I am white) for dinner. They however didn't care and would have him over often and each time he would offer to use the back door as to not cause trouble with their neighbors. My grandfather's response? "You use the front door like everyone else" The second involves my mom (btw the previous story was about her parents) who would often tell me she felt sorry for children of inter racial couples for the simple fact that when she was growing up the families of the children wouldn't be accepting of the children. Now I'm not saying God is vengeful, but guess what happened? My older brother grew up and married a black woman and they have a son. Ask me now if he's unloved or unaccepted by either family and my reponse would be oh the spoiled one who gets what he wants? Our families love that boy to the point of embarrassment. Unfortunately I would learn later that that guy was right about my grandparents' neighbors because when my brother's family moved into my grandparents' old house the one neighbor - who I had known and loved all my life- started hollering how that brown baby was going to bring down her property values. I tell you if not for my brother I'd be in jail cuz Lord knows I wanted to go after her.
To bring it full circle all I can say is that I hope I've done a good enough job raising my son so that he doesn't end up like so many narrowminded individuals; cuz in the end it'll be them that I'm praying for. Praying that they can finally see that no matter race, religion, sexuality, etc that people were created by God and he doesn't make mistakes.
There's been so much of it going on lately it makes me sick; especially with several states passing and/or drafting gay marriage or gay civil union bills (Thank God I live in a state that had the brains to have at least a civil union bill). What gets me is people that bash other people simply based on the fact that they are gay. Nevermind that your bible thumping do gooder neighbor could be raping women but at least he's not gay right? The same thing goes for judging people based on their race, religion, or culture. Who gave you the right to judge ANYONE? What suddenly made you the authority on everything known to man? Doesn't the Bible say let he who is without sin cast the first stone?
Whats even worse is the people that don't know they're biased or haven't come to terms with it. I'm sorry if you say things like "You know the girl with the black kids" when a woman has mixed children or "I'm not racist, but" sorry Charlie that says right there that you are biased. Now am I perfect? HELL NO but I like to think that I'm open minded enough to judge people on their words, acts, behaviors, etc rather than whether or not they're black or white, gay or straight, or Christian or Muslim.
Now a lot of people will cite their religion as their reasoning, but then do you just blindly follow it or do you question things? I'm a Catholic, but do I believe the Bible word for word? No I do not - if I did I'd be getting stoned right now for having a child out of wedlock or be stuck walking 50ft behind every man in the world, which for those of you that know me know that ain't gonna happen. First of all The Bible was written by man who is not perfect, second it was an interpretation of what different individuals experienced, and third it's been translated into God only knows how many different languages. Plus they had to narrow down what gospels, etc that they were going to put in there otherwise it'd be as long as all get out. Not many ppl know that there are gospels written by Mary Magdalene and her experiences with Jesus, and let us not forget St. Thomas Aquinas who's gospels are not even acknowledged by the church, but I think he says it best when it says (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Church is not in a building, but it is all around you" What that means to me is you can pray in the bathroom and God will still hear you.
Ok let me get back to my original point which is basically jump into 2011 - this is not the 1960's. Stop judging people based on what they believe or who they love, or the color of their skin. I thank The Lord everyday that he gave me parents that taught me to think for myself and not judge others. There are two stories of sorts that I would like to share about my family that will help you understand what I mean about being non judgmental and about how if you do judge - you'll get yours. The first one is about a friend of my grandparents who worked at the mill with them. He was a black man and it was the 60's, which meant it was virtually unheard of for him to go to my grandparents house (For those of you who don't know me I am white) for dinner. They however didn't care and would have him over often and each time he would offer to use the back door as to not cause trouble with their neighbors. My grandfather's response? "You use the front door like everyone else" The second involves my mom (btw the previous story was about her parents) who would often tell me she felt sorry for children of inter racial couples for the simple fact that when she was growing up the families of the children wouldn't be accepting of the children. Now I'm not saying God is vengeful, but guess what happened? My older brother grew up and married a black woman and they have a son. Ask me now if he's unloved or unaccepted by either family and my reponse would be oh the spoiled one who gets what he wants? Our families love that boy to the point of embarrassment. Unfortunately I would learn later that that guy was right about my grandparents' neighbors because when my brother's family moved into my grandparents' old house the one neighbor - who I had known and loved all my life- started hollering how that brown baby was going to bring down her property values. I tell you if not for my brother I'd be in jail cuz Lord knows I wanted to go after her.
To bring it full circle all I can say is that I hope I've done a good enough job raising my son so that he doesn't end up like so many narrowminded individuals; cuz in the end it'll be them that I'm praying for. Praying that they can finally see that no matter race, religion, sexuality, etc that people were created by God and he doesn't make mistakes.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Simple Things
Ok I'm still figuring this blog stuff out so please forgive me. Also I don't really like to blog unless I have something to say or to talk about - I'm sure you all really don't want to hear when I'm eating a bagel or how someone cut me off in traffic - that's why I have a FB and Twitter account lol So Karyn what are you going to talk about?
Recently I was talking with my brother and we were recalling things about our childhood. Places we used to go as kids, people we hung out with, etc. One thing we talked about are the places in our neighborhood that were a treat for us growing up. Giappo's deep dish pizza was one of them and cake from Linn's bakery with the AMAZING (yes it was that good that I needed to capitalize it) buttercream icing. Now yes this might sound like the whole bagel issue, but what it led us to discuss was how much our neighborhood has changed over the years. Now not to sound like Father Time, but when we were growing up we could ride our bikes whereever as long as we were home by the time the street lights came on. Even then sometimes we'd get the block kids together and have a game of kick the can (If you don't know this game, it's on Wikipedia). We played in the sprinkler when it was hot cuz we had no air conditioning; if we got thirsty we drank from the hose and it didn't matter that it tasted like metal - you know what I'm talking about. Don't let your mother catch you saying that you were bored cuz she'd make you do work. My father would take my younger brother and I up to the forest preserve by the house and we'd just wander for hours on end. I remember one time my brother chased a gardener snake with a stick so fast that I think the snake was more scared of him!
When I look around now I'm saddened by some of things that I see; kids running around with no supervision, kids unable to ride their bikes in certain areas for fear of gangs and other violence. Neighbors not knowing or caring about who lives next to them, people not mowing their lawns because they just don't care. Noone writes a letter anymore cuz it's easier to send a text or an email, noone buys books anymore cuz they can download them, kids don't want to play outside because they'd rather play their video games or because it's too hot, or they can't because it's too dangerous.
My brother used to make fun of me all the time because I've always said that I wanted to live in a small town similar to the one that my father grew up in. However down there they say yes sir, no ma'am, and well by golly they even say hi to perfect strangers. I remember my sister telling me that the one time that she stayed down there to visit my cousin and they were sitting on the porch when he said hi to someone that was passing by. She asked if he knew the person and when he said no she asked why he said something - his response? Cuz it's the polite thing to do.
I miss sitting on the porch with my family and neighbors at night (which my dad referred to as letting the stink blow off lol). I love the feel of a book in my hand, the way the pages feel, cracking the spine of a new book, dog earing the pages instead of using a book mark. I love writing letters, but unfortunately I have noone to write them to (and no cracks about prisoners liking letters cuz I'm not goin there). I love that my son still loves to play in the hose and still loves to play with play dough.
Now do I think technology is the devil? Of course not I'm the first one to admit that I love the fact that I can make my house cold enough to hang meat on a 100 degree day, and I love the fact that I can connect with people from around the world. I think it's amazing the things that you can find out on the net and I sure as hell wouldn't want to go back to some of the things that my parents had to grow up with. However I do think that things might be a bit better if we did get back to some of the simpler things in life. So the next time you see someone you don't know - say hi. It's the polite thing to do.
Recently I was talking with my brother and we were recalling things about our childhood. Places we used to go as kids, people we hung out with, etc. One thing we talked about are the places in our neighborhood that were a treat for us growing up. Giappo's deep dish pizza was one of them and cake from Linn's bakery with the AMAZING (yes it was that good that I needed to capitalize it) buttercream icing. Now yes this might sound like the whole bagel issue, but what it led us to discuss was how much our neighborhood has changed over the years. Now not to sound like Father Time, but when we were growing up we could ride our bikes whereever as long as we were home by the time the street lights came on. Even then sometimes we'd get the block kids together and have a game of kick the can (If you don't know this game, it's on Wikipedia). We played in the sprinkler when it was hot cuz we had no air conditioning; if we got thirsty we drank from the hose and it didn't matter that it tasted like metal - you know what I'm talking about. Don't let your mother catch you saying that you were bored cuz she'd make you do work. My father would take my younger brother and I up to the forest preserve by the house and we'd just wander for hours on end. I remember one time my brother chased a gardener snake with a stick so fast that I think the snake was more scared of him!
When I look around now I'm saddened by some of things that I see; kids running around with no supervision, kids unable to ride their bikes in certain areas for fear of gangs and other violence. Neighbors not knowing or caring about who lives next to them, people not mowing their lawns because they just don't care. Noone writes a letter anymore cuz it's easier to send a text or an email, noone buys books anymore cuz they can download them, kids don't want to play outside because they'd rather play their video games or because it's too hot, or they can't because it's too dangerous.
My brother used to make fun of me all the time because I've always said that I wanted to live in a small town similar to the one that my father grew up in. However down there they say yes sir, no ma'am, and well by golly they even say hi to perfect strangers. I remember my sister telling me that the one time that she stayed down there to visit my cousin and they were sitting on the porch when he said hi to someone that was passing by. She asked if he knew the person and when he said no she asked why he said something - his response? Cuz it's the polite thing to do.
I miss sitting on the porch with my family and neighbors at night (which my dad referred to as letting the stink blow off lol). I love the feel of a book in my hand, the way the pages feel, cracking the spine of a new book, dog earing the pages instead of using a book mark. I love writing letters, but unfortunately I have noone to write them to (and no cracks about prisoners liking letters cuz I'm not goin there). I love that my son still loves to play in the hose and still loves to play with play dough.
Now do I think technology is the devil? Of course not I'm the first one to admit that I love the fact that I can make my house cold enough to hang meat on a 100 degree day, and I love the fact that I can connect with people from around the world. I think it's amazing the things that you can find out on the net and I sure as hell wouldn't want to go back to some of the things that my parents had to grow up with. However I do think that things might be a bit better if we did get back to some of the simpler things in life. So the next time you see someone you don't know - say hi. It's the polite thing to do.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Momma always told me.........
You can't judge a book by it's cover - how many times have we heard that? I know I heard it all the time when I was growing up. It was my parents way of making me realize that there are some really cool people out there if you just take the time to get to know them.
Unfortunately lately I've come to realize that though the Civil Rights movement was some 40 years ago, there are still a lot of prejudices that still exist. Not only when it comes to race, but religion, politics you name it. Anyone will tell you I am a VERY liberal person; most of the time I don't care if you're black, white, asian, blue, purple, Jewish, Catholic, Atheist, whatever. In my book if you're not hurting anyone who cares? Do I always agree with everyone? Of course not, we all have our own opinions, but I'm not going to stop being your friend just because you believe something I don't.
There is no greater example I could give than of me and my friend Bino. On the surface Bino and I couldn't be more different. I am a short, white, Catholic, grammar correcting "goodie two shoes". Bino on the other hand is a tall, mexican, God believing, yet everything's a conspiracy, don't correct my grammar sometimes trouble maker. However dig deeper and you can begin to see the similarities; we're both single parents trying to do the best by our kids, we both LOVE to debate, we both love calling people out on things, and we hate the baby daddy/mamma drama. I first met Bino when I was working and he came on as our new security guard, I thought to myself "Oh good let's see how THIS one works out" (we'd had some pretty shitty so called guards). After awhile though, the more we talked the more I realized we had in common. Sure there were a lot of things we disagreed on - especially when it comes to politics, but we were always able to discuss things in a civilized manner. However we also both believe in God, we want the best for our children, and we both intend to be wealthy one day lol There was also alot we learned about each other too. He taught me about street things, the music world, and how to think outside the box. I taught him (or so I like to think) that not all baby mamas cause drama, there is more than one way to look at things, and some proper grammar lol We've discussed all things taboo: politics, religion, race, etc. One of the funniest ones was when we were discussing gangs; in particular the Latin Kings. I don't remember what exactly we talked about but I remember him laughing and saying "Man Karyn you are the LAST person I expected to be having this conversation with"
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes you have to look past things to get at the real person. So what if someone's Muslim and you're Christian; if you were dying and they could save you - why not let them? A person's religion, race, political status, etc are only parts of the whole. They're one part of the whole person; it's like your body - your kidneys aren't responsible for everything that goes on in it - it's one organ among many. When I think about how many people won't have anything to do with a person simply because of their beliefs or their race it saddens me because I think about how much they might be missing out on.
I think the thing that makes it worse is those ppl that think like that who have children. Let's face it: prejudice isn't born, it's learned. I'd like to think that I'm teaching my son to be open minded and accepting of all people. He once asked me in not so many words why two guys couldn't get married; my answer to him was that some ppl don't think it's right, but that you can't help who you fall in love with. I said you can love who ever you want. What's even more awesome is that he has several mixed cousins - black, white, mexican - just about everything so race is one area that's never been a problem for him - to this day I don't think he sees color when it comes to ppl and it makes me smile. I try to be as honest with him as possible about things in general, sometimes it's hard because he's only 9 and a young 9 at that. However I want him to grow up knowing that people are at the heart of things basically the same: We all want to love and be loved, we all have fears, and we're all just trying to make it. So the next time you think you know something about someone, dig a little deeper - you'd be amazed at what you find out.
Unfortunately lately I've come to realize that though the Civil Rights movement was some 40 years ago, there are still a lot of prejudices that still exist. Not only when it comes to race, but religion, politics you name it. Anyone will tell you I am a VERY liberal person; most of the time I don't care if you're black, white, asian, blue, purple, Jewish, Catholic, Atheist, whatever. In my book if you're not hurting anyone who cares? Do I always agree with everyone? Of course not, we all have our own opinions, but I'm not going to stop being your friend just because you believe something I don't.
There is no greater example I could give than of me and my friend Bino. On the surface Bino and I couldn't be more different. I am a short, white, Catholic, grammar correcting "goodie two shoes". Bino on the other hand is a tall, mexican, God believing, yet everything's a conspiracy, don't correct my grammar sometimes trouble maker. However dig deeper and you can begin to see the similarities; we're both single parents trying to do the best by our kids, we both LOVE to debate, we both love calling people out on things, and we hate the baby daddy/mamma drama. I first met Bino when I was working and he came on as our new security guard, I thought to myself "Oh good let's see how THIS one works out" (we'd had some pretty shitty so called guards). After awhile though, the more we talked the more I realized we had in common. Sure there were a lot of things we disagreed on - especially when it comes to politics, but we were always able to discuss things in a civilized manner. However we also both believe in God, we want the best for our children, and we both intend to be wealthy one day lol There was also alot we learned about each other too. He taught me about street things, the music world, and how to think outside the box. I taught him (or so I like to think) that not all baby mamas cause drama, there is more than one way to look at things, and some proper grammar lol We've discussed all things taboo: politics, religion, race, etc. One of the funniest ones was when we were discussing gangs; in particular the Latin Kings. I don't remember what exactly we talked about but I remember him laughing and saying "Man Karyn you are the LAST person I expected to be having this conversation with"
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes you have to look past things to get at the real person. So what if someone's Muslim and you're Christian; if you were dying and they could save you - why not let them? A person's religion, race, political status, etc are only parts of the whole. They're one part of the whole person; it's like your body - your kidneys aren't responsible for everything that goes on in it - it's one organ among many. When I think about how many people won't have anything to do with a person simply because of their beliefs or their race it saddens me because I think about how much they might be missing out on.
I think the thing that makes it worse is those ppl that think like that who have children. Let's face it: prejudice isn't born, it's learned. I'd like to think that I'm teaching my son to be open minded and accepting of all people. He once asked me in not so many words why two guys couldn't get married; my answer to him was that some ppl don't think it's right, but that you can't help who you fall in love with. I said you can love who ever you want. What's even more awesome is that he has several mixed cousins - black, white, mexican - just about everything so race is one area that's never been a problem for him - to this day I don't think he sees color when it comes to ppl and it makes me smile. I try to be as honest with him as possible about things in general, sometimes it's hard because he's only 9 and a young 9 at that. However I want him to grow up knowing that people are at the heart of things basically the same: We all want to love and be loved, we all have fears, and we're all just trying to make it. So the next time you think you know something about someone, dig a little deeper - you'd be amazed at what you find out.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Parenting
Yes I'm back, I know I've been MIA lately and that my last blog was full of positives. I'm still on my weight loss journey, though it's come to a stand still lately because I've been sick and unable to stay upright. However that is neither here nor there. Today I want to talk about something that is very near and dear to my heart - parenting. Now we all have our own parenting techniques and things that work for us, but I want to talk about merely the basics.
Now having a child with a disability makes things a bit more challenging as far as I need to have the energy of a Jack Russell Terrier that's gotten into the case of Red Bull. Needless to say I do not always have this, and with being sick I've had it even less lately. However I will say that I try to be mentally available to my child. What do I mean by this? I mean that when my son asks me something I don't blow him off nor do I try to blow smoke up his ass. Yes he still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the other fairy tales/stories/legends we've all grown up with. However he asked me one day why a boy who wasn't related to another boy couldn't get married. I was at first taken by surprise - he was 8 at the time; what 8 year old asks that? Mine that's who. Once I regained my composure I explained to him that some people didn't think it was right, but that you cannot help who you fall in love with. He was ok with this answer and we went on to discuss that it was ok for him to like whoever he wanted both now and later on in life.
After I thought about his situation for awhile, I realized that I am happy that my son is non judgmental and that he has the courage and confidence to ask ME these things believing that I will have the answer. Now do I have the answer to all of life's questions? Obviously not or else I'd be making a hella lotta money answering things for ppl LOL What it also made me realize that if I don't teach my kid these things - who will? I didn't want to dare think about that. As usual the more I thought about it the more I learned that I was not alone - there were other parents that were going through what I was going through. What scared me though was when I realized that I knew parents that either didn't see what they were doing to their kids or they did and just didn't care.
What I mean by doing to their kids is not physical abuse, but they were neglecting their children's minds and feelings. Example; my son knows that he is not allowed to play video games that carry an M rating and that I need to approve the T rated games. Therefore he doesn't play them - how do I know? Because my son talks to me; we've been at others peoples houses and he'll come out of the room where all the kids are playing and if I ask why he's not playing with the other kids he'll say "They're playing games I'm not allowed to". Even if he's been at a friends house he will say "They were playing such and such a game, but I didn't play" again - how do I know he's telling the truth? He'll follow that up by saying "I watched them play a few minutes Mom I'm sorry I know I'm not supposed to". It's the same way with movies and their ratings; however I know someone who doesn't let their child play violent video games, but in the same breath doesn't mind if the child is in the room for an R rated movie!
I am by NO means saying that I am the perfect parent, but what I am saying is that you need to PARENT. I don't care if your child calls you every name in the book - there are very few I HAVEN'T been called, but in the end I don't care because I know that it's better for my child. I saw a news special just tonight on children and the parents that spy on them. They were talking to a dad that was part of a website that helped monitor his 13 year olds internet activity. Cut to said 13 year old sitting on her bed with a lap top open and typing away with the only light coming from the screen. Now I ask you - what 13 year old needs a laptop? Now some may say that it's a space saver thing, whatever fine but then why was she not required to use it in a family room or dining room? Wake up people internet, video games, movies, etc etc are not to blame for things that your child does - YOU are. Who let them watch the violent movie? Who let them log onto that website. Now am I saying that every media outlet shouldn't be held accountable for some of the stuff they air? NO, but how about taking your share of the responsibility?
It's not just media stuff either; I've seen parents chastize their child for doing something wrong when in fact the child was tired of being ignored for 4 hours and simply wanted their attention. What people don't get is that pleasing kids for the most part is fairly easy; most of the time what they really want is just for someone to listen. Most of the time we forget that they are not just kids, but human beings with thoughts and opinions and questions. They want someone to listen to them, ask them what THEY think how THEY feel. They WANT boundries, and for someone to care enough to wonder where the HELL they've been. They might not like it at the time, but they always come to realize that it's in their best interest. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is if you're gonna be a parent BE a parent - your kids have enough friends.
Now having a child with a disability makes things a bit more challenging as far as I need to have the energy of a Jack Russell Terrier that's gotten into the case of Red Bull. Needless to say I do not always have this, and with being sick I've had it even less lately. However I will say that I try to be mentally available to my child. What do I mean by this? I mean that when my son asks me something I don't blow him off nor do I try to blow smoke up his ass. Yes he still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the other fairy tales/stories/legends we've all grown up with. However he asked me one day why a boy who wasn't related to another boy couldn't get married. I was at first taken by surprise - he was 8 at the time; what 8 year old asks that? Mine that's who. Once I regained my composure I explained to him that some people didn't think it was right, but that you cannot help who you fall in love with. He was ok with this answer and we went on to discuss that it was ok for him to like whoever he wanted both now and later on in life.
After I thought about his situation for awhile, I realized that I am happy that my son is non judgmental and that he has the courage and confidence to ask ME these things believing that I will have the answer. Now do I have the answer to all of life's questions? Obviously not or else I'd be making a hella lotta money answering things for ppl LOL What it also made me realize that if I don't teach my kid these things - who will? I didn't want to dare think about that. As usual the more I thought about it the more I learned that I was not alone - there were other parents that were going through what I was going through. What scared me though was when I realized that I knew parents that either didn't see what they were doing to their kids or they did and just didn't care.
What I mean by doing to their kids is not physical abuse, but they were neglecting their children's minds and feelings. Example; my son knows that he is not allowed to play video games that carry an M rating and that I need to approve the T rated games. Therefore he doesn't play them - how do I know? Because my son talks to me; we've been at others peoples houses and he'll come out of the room where all the kids are playing and if I ask why he's not playing with the other kids he'll say "They're playing games I'm not allowed to". Even if he's been at a friends house he will say "They were playing such and such a game, but I didn't play" again - how do I know he's telling the truth? He'll follow that up by saying "I watched them play a few minutes Mom I'm sorry I know I'm not supposed to". It's the same way with movies and their ratings; however I know someone who doesn't let their child play violent video games, but in the same breath doesn't mind if the child is in the room for an R rated movie!
I am by NO means saying that I am the perfect parent, but what I am saying is that you need to PARENT. I don't care if your child calls you every name in the book - there are very few I HAVEN'T been called, but in the end I don't care because I know that it's better for my child. I saw a news special just tonight on children and the parents that spy on them. They were talking to a dad that was part of a website that helped monitor his 13 year olds internet activity. Cut to said 13 year old sitting on her bed with a lap top open and typing away with the only light coming from the screen. Now I ask you - what 13 year old needs a laptop? Now some may say that it's a space saver thing, whatever fine but then why was she not required to use it in a family room or dining room? Wake up people internet, video games, movies, etc etc are not to blame for things that your child does - YOU are. Who let them watch the violent movie? Who let them log onto that website. Now am I saying that every media outlet shouldn't be held accountable for some of the stuff they air? NO, but how about taking your share of the responsibility?
It's not just media stuff either; I've seen parents chastize their child for doing something wrong when in fact the child was tired of being ignored for 4 hours and simply wanted their attention. What people don't get is that pleasing kids for the most part is fairly easy; most of the time what they really want is just for someone to listen. Most of the time we forget that they are not just kids, but human beings with thoughts and opinions and questions. They want someone to listen to them, ask them what THEY think how THEY feel. They WANT boundries, and for someone to care enough to wonder where the HELL they've been. They might not like it at the time, but they always come to realize that it's in their best interest. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is if you're gonna be a parent BE a parent - your kids have enough friends.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Normally when I write this blog I think ok you have to be inspiring, your words need to speak to people. However in this blog I am simply going to jump for joy - or for those of you that remember the show Perfect Strangers I am going to go Balki on you and dance the Dance of Joy (insert di di di and dancing). As you know I've been on a journey to make myself healthier and happier, well on Friday part of that was achieved. Now I am usually insanely nervous when I go to the dr because well I hate being poked, prodded and weighed. This dr visit I can say was one of the BEST of my life; first off I lost SEVEN lbs! Hell it's probably more like 10 because they have one of the old timey scales; either way - I'm DOING IT! I'm taking the weight off slowly but surely.
Not just that but the dr was HAPPY not the fake kind of happy but the this is the reason I do this job type of happy. Not only had I lost the weight but the anti depressant/anti anxiety meds she gave me are doing their job. I am better able to deal with things; even when life throws me a curve ball - if I can't hit it out of the park I at least get a foul tip. For you non baseball people - it means that I don't feel like I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole when life gets tough. I have more energy - I even played a half hour of soccer the other day with my son! 2 months ago that would have NEVER happened. I can also go up the stairs at his school without feeling like I'm going to keel over (seriously it's like climbing Mt. Everest). This may seem like small things to some, but for me its like winning a race.
Is it all fun and games and easy as pie? HELL NO - if it were I would have taken the weight off years ago! Matter of fact the dr told me I have to watch my salt as my bp is a little high. However I think this is the first time I've been REALLY serious about it and doing it, and when I can't do it and I need that extra push I have great friends and family that give me the edge and the encouragement to do it.
So I apologize if you don't walk away with some new philosophical perspective, but I am happy as a pig in shit as my dad would say. I won't apologize for it either; if nothing else I hope that some of this happiness wears off on others and makes them feel good about their lives too!
Not just that but the dr was HAPPY not the fake kind of happy but the this is the reason I do this job type of happy. Not only had I lost the weight but the anti depressant/anti anxiety meds she gave me are doing their job. I am better able to deal with things; even when life throws me a curve ball - if I can't hit it out of the park I at least get a foul tip. For you non baseball people - it means that I don't feel like I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole when life gets tough. I have more energy - I even played a half hour of soccer the other day with my son! 2 months ago that would have NEVER happened. I can also go up the stairs at his school without feeling like I'm going to keel over (seriously it's like climbing Mt. Everest). This may seem like small things to some, but for me its like winning a race.
Is it all fun and games and easy as pie? HELL NO - if it were I would have taken the weight off years ago! Matter of fact the dr told me I have to watch my salt as my bp is a little high. However I think this is the first time I've been REALLY serious about it and doing it, and when I can't do it and I need that extra push I have great friends and family that give me the edge and the encouragement to do it.
So I apologize if you don't walk away with some new philosophical perspective, but I am happy as a pig in shit as my dad would say. I won't apologize for it either; if nothing else I hope that some of this happiness wears off on others and makes them feel good about their lives too!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Remembering Dad
Yes I know I've been missing from here, but as I just told a friend I've been busy; busy with life things in general. My son is thoroughly enjoying boy scouting, which is good, I've been taking everyone to the dr, and cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. As I mentioned before I've been cleaning the skeletons and lord knows what else out of our basement - I think Jimmy Hoffa might make an appearance soon LOL
However, in my process I've found a lot of good memories. Whether it be in old photos, or a drawing, or heck even an outfit. Each thing holds a special place in our family, especially things concerning my father. We lost him 9 years ago May and though I still miss him every day, it's nice to now smile when I think about certain things. Like the way he used to stop what he was doing and start dancing any time he heard Bob Segar's Old Time A Rock N Roll and I mean - whatever he was doing. I remember him scaring the crap out of my sister because he was driving and let go of the wheel and started dancing because it was on. Needless to say we all survived ;-)
Recently I found a note that he'd written to my brother; not sure what it was for but I knew my brother would want to keep it so I took it and placed it on his dresser without saying a word. He asked my mom about it and she told him that I'd come across it; he hasn't said a word to me, but I know he treasures it because I know I would. I know most dads, and most guys in general are not very demonstrative ppl and often have a tough time showing their emotions. Not my dad; you see my father lost his mother when he was a mere 10 years old. With three kids (my dad being the oldest) my grandfather moved in with his mother so that she could help raise them while he worked at the coal mines day in and day out. Now only having vague memories of my grandfather I don't know that he was ever an emotional person, but I can imagine that losing your life partner will change you in some way. Either way, he was never very demonstrative with his kids and not really emotional with them. Sure he provided for them financially and took care of all his responsibilities, but that was where it ended I think. Because of this, my dad decided to be quite the opposite with his kids. There are not enough fingers and toes in the world to count the number of times my father hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me, said he was proud of me, etc etc. Sure he was a force to be reckoned with when he was pissed at you; mostly because he knew that you could do better. Hell I was 22 and living on my own but was scared to death to tell my Dad that I was having a child out of wedlock. However at the end of the day, he had his say and it was over - was estatic when my son was born just as with all his grandkids. It was the same way he was with my mom; he loved her like Romeo loved Juliet, but he also fought with her like a sworn enemy sometimes. But my parents loved each other - anyone that knew them could tell you that.
Like with any parent; there were many an embarrassing moment with my dad. There wasn't just the dancing, there was the yelling at me from the sidelines when I missed a fly ball while playing right field, the time my brother got hit by a pitch and my father carried him off the field - my brother scowling the entire time. The time he tried to write himself a check while my mom was out of town. He'd made it out to cash and forgotten to sign the back; the teller sent it back and asked him to sign it and he said the hell with it and tore it up and left (can you tell my mom handled the bills?). The time my brother got a car axle stuck in his foot and my dad raced over to the church where my mom was on retreat like the house was on fire. There were the "disussions" with my sisters - more like the latest political debates as both of them like to argue, but Dad always respected their opinions. The main thing I think to him, as he said often enough was "At least my kids are still talking to me".
Then there's Clint Eastwood - my father's icon; I can't tell you how many times on a Saturday you'd better pray there was something on t.v.; otherwise you'd be treated to a Clint Eastwood marathon. Everytime I hear the music from The Good The Bad and The Ugly I smile because I remember how much it used to irritate me when he used to watch it. If any of you have seen it you know that it's the same musical score throughout the ENTIRE movie. Despite his love of Clint Eastwood movies, which I'll forgive Dad was a brilliant man; he could do math like noone's business (he was a draftsman) though don't ever ask him to teach it. I can't remember the number of times he TRIED to help me with my math homework ( I SUCK at Math) but we could never understand each other and eventually we both gave up on that LOL His other talent was drawing (again another trait I didn't inherit); he LOVED it. His dream was to one day work for Walt Disney, but I think his lack of self confidence held him back from going for it. This is funny because he's also the person that taught me to be positive and believe in myself. I don't know how many times he would say Karyn, it's the power of postive thinking when I would accomplish something I'd didn't think I'd be able to do. It took me a long time to realize that you do attract what you put out there, but Dad I finally get it!
Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've been through because it was also the time that I had my son and was in a rocky relationship with my ex. However, the one thing that I will always cherish is the fact that my son got to meet him, and I got to say goodbye. You see my father never had that opportunity with his own father; my grandfather lived 5 hours away, and though we couldn't afford to all go my mom got my dad on a train to see him because we knew it was near the end. I still remember going to the train station and sharing a 7up with my younger brother while we waited for the train. Later that night my father called - he'd arrived an hour too late and my grandfather was gone. I remember sitting on the front porch with my siblings and my mom retelling stories and thinking about my dad. How hard that must have been for him.
The last time I saw my father he was in a nursing/rehab center and hooked up to oxygen. He'd been sick with emphyzema for a long time - a result of 40 plus years of smoking. He was so frail and looked old beyond his years - no longer the man whose bark I feared. My mom, my sister, me, and my son had gone out to see him because the nurse had called and said he'd taken a turn for the worse. You see he'd been told a couple days before that he only had 6 months left to live. I think this is when he finally gave himself permission to let go, and when I saw him that day I looked at him and more or less told him with my eyes that it was ok to let go. I'm grateful that I got to see him that one last time and in my mind when I picture him leaving; I picture my grandparents and great grandmother coming to get him and leading him into Heaven.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well mostly it's because I loved my father and want others to know about him - he was a phenomenal man. However it's also to remind you that no matter how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive, if you live in a big house; in the end it means nothing. To quote a song "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind, it's what you leave behind you when you go". I thank God everyday for the memories that my father left me that live in my heart. So if you love someone - tell them every chance you get because tomorrow is never promised.
However, in my process I've found a lot of good memories. Whether it be in old photos, or a drawing, or heck even an outfit. Each thing holds a special place in our family, especially things concerning my father. We lost him 9 years ago May and though I still miss him every day, it's nice to now smile when I think about certain things. Like the way he used to stop what he was doing and start dancing any time he heard Bob Segar's Old Time A Rock N Roll and I mean - whatever he was doing. I remember him scaring the crap out of my sister because he was driving and let go of the wheel and started dancing because it was on. Needless to say we all survived ;-)
Recently I found a note that he'd written to my brother; not sure what it was for but I knew my brother would want to keep it so I took it and placed it on his dresser without saying a word. He asked my mom about it and she told him that I'd come across it; he hasn't said a word to me, but I know he treasures it because I know I would. I know most dads, and most guys in general are not very demonstrative ppl and often have a tough time showing their emotions. Not my dad; you see my father lost his mother when he was a mere 10 years old. With three kids (my dad being the oldest) my grandfather moved in with his mother so that she could help raise them while he worked at the coal mines day in and day out. Now only having vague memories of my grandfather I don't know that he was ever an emotional person, but I can imagine that losing your life partner will change you in some way. Either way, he was never very demonstrative with his kids and not really emotional with them. Sure he provided for them financially and took care of all his responsibilities, but that was where it ended I think. Because of this, my dad decided to be quite the opposite with his kids. There are not enough fingers and toes in the world to count the number of times my father hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me, said he was proud of me, etc etc. Sure he was a force to be reckoned with when he was pissed at you; mostly because he knew that you could do better. Hell I was 22 and living on my own but was scared to death to tell my Dad that I was having a child out of wedlock. However at the end of the day, he had his say and it was over - was estatic when my son was born just as with all his grandkids. It was the same way he was with my mom; he loved her like Romeo loved Juliet, but he also fought with her like a sworn enemy sometimes. But my parents loved each other - anyone that knew them could tell you that.
Like with any parent; there were many an embarrassing moment with my dad. There wasn't just the dancing, there was the yelling at me from the sidelines when I missed a fly ball while playing right field, the time my brother got hit by a pitch and my father carried him off the field - my brother scowling the entire time. The time he tried to write himself a check while my mom was out of town. He'd made it out to cash and forgotten to sign the back; the teller sent it back and asked him to sign it and he said the hell with it and tore it up and left (can you tell my mom handled the bills?). The time my brother got a car axle stuck in his foot and my dad raced over to the church where my mom was on retreat like the house was on fire. There were the "disussions" with my sisters - more like the latest political debates as both of them like to argue, but Dad always respected their opinions. The main thing I think to him, as he said often enough was "At least my kids are still talking to me".
Then there's Clint Eastwood - my father's icon; I can't tell you how many times on a Saturday you'd better pray there was something on t.v.; otherwise you'd be treated to a Clint Eastwood marathon. Everytime I hear the music from The Good The Bad and The Ugly I smile because I remember how much it used to irritate me when he used to watch it. If any of you have seen it you know that it's the same musical score throughout the ENTIRE movie. Despite his love of Clint Eastwood movies, which I'll forgive Dad was a brilliant man; he could do math like noone's business (he was a draftsman) though don't ever ask him to teach it. I can't remember the number of times he TRIED to help me with my math homework ( I SUCK at Math) but we could never understand each other and eventually we both gave up on that LOL His other talent was drawing (again another trait I didn't inherit); he LOVED it. His dream was to one day work for Walt Disney, but I think his lack of self confidence held him back from going for it. This is funny because he's also the person that taught me to be positive and believe in myself. I don't know how many times he would say Karyn, it's the power of postive thinking when I would accomplish something I'd didn't think I'd be able to do. It took me a long time to realize that you do attract what you put out there, but Dad I finally get it!
Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've been through because it was also the time that I had my son and was in a rocky relationship with my ex. However, the one thing that I will always cherish is the fact that my son got to meet him, and I got to say goodbye. You see my father never had that opportunity with his own father; my grandfather lived 5 hours away, and though we couldn't afford to all go my mom got my dad on a train to see him because we knew it was near the end. I still remember going to the train station and sharing a 7up with my younger brother while we waited for the train. Later that night my father called - he'd arrived an hour too late and my grandfather was gone. I remember sitting on the front porch with my siblings and my mom retelling stories and thinking about my dad. How hard that must have been for him.
The last time I saw my father he was in a nursing/rehab center and hooked up to oxygen. He'd been sick with emphyzema for a long time - a result of 40 plus years of smoking. He was so frail and looked old beyond his years - no longer the man whose bark I feared. My mom, my sister, me, and my son had gone out to see him because the nurse had called and said he'd taken a turn for the worse. You see he'd been told a couple days before that he only had 6 months left to live. I think this is when he finally gave himself permission to let go, and when I saw him that day I looked at him and more or less told him with my eyes that it was ok to let go. I'm grateful that I got to see him that one last time and in my mind when I picture him leaving; I picture my grandparents and great grandmother coming to get him and leading him into Heaven.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well mostly it's because I loved my father and want others to know about him - he was a phenomenal man. However it's also to remind you that no matter how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive, if you live in a big house; in the end it means nothing. To quote a song "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind, it's what you leave behind you when you go". I thank God everyday for the memories that my father left me that live in my heart. So if you love someone - tell them every chance you get because tomorrow is never promised.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Responsibility
We all have our responsibilities: Pay the bills, take the kids to school, meetings at work. However that is not the responsibility I'm talking about here; I'm refering to responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Recently I had a phone call from someone basically blaming me for every bad thing in his life. It was my fault he'd avoided his financial obligations, my fault his girlfriend was pissed off, my fault his boss was a dick, etc, etc - you get the picture. What this person didn't understand is that we all make our own decisions; we decide what to do, what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It seems like lately everyone wants to lay their problems at everyone else's doorstep; take the case against McDonalds - I'm sure you all remember the old lady that sued them and won because OMG they gave her HOT coffee! Really? I'm sorry last I checked when you ordered coffee it came hot - unless you specified iced coffee. It would be like me blaming them for me being fat - noone held a gun to my head to drive there and order a double quarter pounder with cheese meal now did they?
Yes I understand there are somethings in our lives that we can't control and even then there's really noone to blame. Example: Many of you know that my son broke his elbow two years ago - severely enough that he had to have it surgically put back together. How this happened was a complete freak accident; we were at my sister's house and the kids were going outside to play when her dog (who is about 50 lbs and rather strong) was so happy to see them that she knocked my son over and he fell hitting his arm just right. Yes it was a nightmare and the most scared I think I've ever been in my life, but did I go back and tell my sister that she had to take a gun to her dog ala Old Yeller? NO I don't blame Mavis (the dog) for what happened to my son nor do I blame my sister - who btw was completely devistated.
What we can control though is how we deal with things; face them head on, hide and pretend they don't exist, or we can take the chicken's way out and blame others. Now I know we're all guilty of the last two - for a long time I blamed my weight on the stress in my life. Now yes my life is very stressful at times, but it was MY decision to eat the bad food and not exercise. I also am very good at pretending that my mounting bills don't exist sometimes too. Lately though I've started to make a change; I'm getting healthier by making the choice to walk almost everyday and eat better food. I'm trying to keep up on my financial obligations; I'm choosing to face my problems head on.
My biggest reason for this is not only to be healthier and be a better person, but I want to be a good example for my son. He already deals with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and already tries to blame others for when he gets into trouble. So I'm hoping that not only with therapy, but by seeing a good example he'll learn to take responsibility for himself and eventually live a happy, healthy life.
So if you're facing your problems head on - kudos! However if you're choosing to hide and pretend they don't exist, or worse you're blaming others for your failings; stop and take a look in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you is the only person you can blame for how your life is going. The good thing is that same reflection is the only one that has the power to change it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's The Little Things
Lately it seems like I've begun a journey of change; changing my health, the things I hold onto, and the things that I value. However I've come to realize that if I look at the big picture, I get discouraged; so I've decided to concentrate on the little things. For example, instead of concentrating on all the weight I have to lose I celebrate the fact that I'm feeling better, I can now walk 3/4 of a mile, and I have more energy.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
I've been doing it with other things as well; I'm trying to clean out our house. This may not sound like a huge feet but after over 30 years in a home with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren, trust me when I say it's massive. Mostly because my mom loves to keep everything bless her heart. There are times I look at things and just think ok I'm never going to get this done and I get discouraged. So I've taken to cleaning out things one at a time; even if it's going through my own desk, etc and getting rid of things I don't need. I feel like if I've cleaned something, I've accomplished something.
They say slow and steady wins the race which is true, but I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my old boss John who once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" I of course gave him a strange look, to which he answered "One bite at a time" I laughed realizing he was right. From then on everytime I was challenged with something he would ask me that same question, which would remind me to take it a piece at a time. So here I am to pass on that same advice; when something seems to big and you think you can't do it just ask yourself how to eat an elepant.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Trying
Today was one of those rollercoaster days; I had to take my mom to see her endocrinologist which most of the time is an all day process because she goes to the county hospital. I was shocked when we were in and out of there in an hour - this day was going awesome! That is until I realized that I was starving and yes I fell off of my horse and got KFC - why? Because my stomach was going to eat itself if I didn't get something and because after driving for two hours I was done. Basically I was hungry and weak and if you had put cheese on my arm I would have eaten it! Then it was time to pick up my son, get home, do homework, try and get some rest before he had scouts. Scouts was a mess that ended up running until 9pm which meant dinner was late and landed me where? You guessed it- at the drive thru.
I'm sitting here feeling the guilt - you know the one where you feel like OMG I've been doing so well and now I screwed up and what am I going to do? Well I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, have a healthy breakfast and be conscience of what I'm eating. I'm going to go through the day and TRY my best to make the right choices and keep moving (I did walk today btw so I can feel less guilty about a french fry or two lol). I'm finally learning what my parents told me and what I tell my son when it comes to doing things. Try your best; you may not be perfect at it, but at least you're trying.
This goes for all aspects of life; for me it's trying to maintain a way of life and become a healthier person. For others it could be learning a new sport, trying their hand at cooking, or even learning a new language. Yeah we may all suck at first - let's face it after 32 years of living life as an unhealthy person, I'm not gonna be Jillian Michaels overnight. The point is I'm making the effort to do it. There are many things ppl struggle with things, but the point is not to give up.
I am a HUGE baseball fan that bleeds Cubbie blue (yes there is a point here); on July 9, 2005 I was watching the Cubs v. Marlins game when a rookie just up from triple A was called to the plate to pinch hit. Adam Greenberg was taking his first at bat in the major leagues. What happened a few minutes later could be compared to the shot heard around the world. He was hit in the back of the head with a 92mph fastball and went down like a ton of bricks. Needless to say it was a long road back from there; to this day that was his only appearance in a major league game - he's often compared to Moonlight Graham (who only made one appearance for the NY Giants in 1905). However if you look up Adam now you'll find he's still bouncing around the minor leagues; he's spent countless hours working with trainors, doctors (he has positional vertigo so sometimes something as little as tying his shoes can make his eyes not focus) and even sports psychologists. In an interview he talked about how that one day was NOT going to define his career or be his 15 minutes of fame. He is still determined to make it in the majors - he's TRYING.
So no matter how bad you suck right now - don't give up. You CAN do it so long as you're trying; I think Woody Allen said it best when he said "90% of life is just showing up".
I'm sitting here feeling the guilt - you know the one where you feel like OMG I've been doing so well and now I screwed up and what am I going to do? Well I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, have a healthy breakfast and be conscience of what I'm eating. I'm going to go through the day and TRY my best to make the right choices and keep moving (I did walk today btw so I can feel less guilty about a french fry or two lol). I'm finally learning what my parents told me and what I tell my son when it comes to doing things. Try your best; you may not be perfect at it, but at least you're trying.
This goes for all aspects of life; for me it's trying to maintain a way of life and become a healthier person. For others it could be learning a new sport, trying their hand at cooking, or even learning a new language. Yeah we may all suck at first - let's face it after 32 years of living life as an unhealthy person, I'm not gonna be Jillian Michaels overnight. The point is I'm making the effort to do it. There are many things ppl struggle with things, but the point is not to give up.
I am a HUGE baseball fan that bleeds Cubbie blue (yes there is a point here); on July 9, 2005 I was watching the Cubs v. Marlins game when a rookie just up from triple A was called to the plate to pinch hit. Adam Greenberg was taking his first at bat in the major leagues. What happened a few minutes later could be compared to the shot heard around the world. He was hit in the back of the head with a 92mph fastball and went down like a ton of bricks. Needless to say it was a long road back from there; to this day that was his only appearance in a major league game - he's often compared to Moonlight Graham (who only made one appearance for the NY Giants in 1905). However if you look up Adam now you'll find he's still bouncing around the minor leagues; he's spent countless hours working with trainors, doctors (he has positional vertigo so sometimes something as little as tying his shoes can make his eyes not focus) and even sports psychologists. In an interview he talked about how that one day was NOT going to define his career or be his 15 minutes of fame. He is still determined to make it in the majors - he's TRYING.
So no matter how bad you suck right now - don't give up. You CAN do it so long as you're trying; I think Woody Allen said it best when he said "90% of life is just showing up".
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Random Things
Today is going to seem random, but I find that life itself is often a roller coaster ride of random events. How to begin; well I will say that my test results did reveal an infection for which I have meds (thank you GOD) and the dr I saw actually LISTENED to me when I told her about needing something to get me through the day to day. She not only gave me an antidepressant, but some anti anxiety for severe attacks. Now I'm not saying all my problems are going to be fixed with these pills, but it will make the world seem not so scary and overwhelming. Also in talking to my brother I am again not the only one; he told me that he too has had to talk himself down off an anxiety attack. We figure it must be hereditary as our father used to have REALLY bad attacks. All I can say is I've been his sister for 32 years, but there are still things I learn about not only my brother, but all my siblings everyday
Ah my siblings; we are as different as the stars in the sky. Sometimes so much that I find it hard to believe that all five of us came from the same two parents. However I have found that I connect with each of them on some level. With my oldest sister it's our liberal view of things and our ability to accept and appreciate others for their individuality. With my other sister it's the mom thing; we constantly rely on each other for advice and tips and well just a sounding board. With my younger brother it's well being the youngest two - we are only 2 years apart and our next oldest sibling is almost 5 years older than me so really it was always the two of us hanging out together or getting shoved in a stroller together when we were younger. Last but not least there is my older brother; I have found it hardest to make a connection with him. I think this stems from the fact that A. He's very much like our paternal grandfather who was not very social and B. He was in the Marine Corps and has learned to be closed off. Recently though I've had many conversations with him and have learned that we're more alike than I thought(i.e. anxiety attacks). But no matter how different we all are there's only one thing that matters: When push comes to shove we are THERE for each other.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I'd do without my family. Don't get me wrong, we are by NO means the Partridge Family, but when I went through my break up with my ex; they were there. When my son hurt himself and had to have surgery; they were there. When I lost my job, once again they were there reminding me that I was better off. They may piss me off, make me cry, drive me crazy, but they also dry those tears, make me laugh, and pick up the pieces when I feel like life has broken me. They are knuckleheads, but they are MY knuckleheads.
The same goes for my nephews and my son ("The Boys" as I like to call them collectively). They are all different, but they're family. There's the 12 year old (The aristocrat), who's really going on 40 with an old soul most of the time, but is secretly still a 12 year old worried about fitting in with his classmates. He may think he's a tough guy, but he's also the only one with enough patience to teach my son to ride his bike. Then there's his partner in crime and cousin my 11 year old nephew(The Academic). He is the quietly mature one - MOST of the time. He loves to read and is curious about everything; so much so that he's always asking questions and sometimes teaches me a thing or two. Next is my son who is 9(The Class Clown) who just loves to make everyone laugh. He drives them insane with his level of energy and constant talking, but at the end of the day everyone laughs and knows that's just him being himself and they wouldn't change it. Last, but certainly not least is the 7 year old (The Enforcer) who is a very sweet, sensitive kid, but will have no problem knocking your block off if it's warranted. We think he'll be the biggest out of all of them and will spend most of his time defending the sarcasm of his brother and cousins. Again they don't always get along, but they are THERE for each other. Whether it's defending each other against other kids, or merely helping to solve a video game crisis.
It warms my heart when I see the four of them playing together because it reminds me of my own siblings and how far we've come. It also makes me think that no matter how bad we think we are, you can look at the four of them and know that we did ok. Because we've all had an impact on them and their futures whether it be as parents or aunts and uncles and after seeing the four of them together I know the future is bright.
I know my family drives me crazy, but then I stop and think about the people that have noone in their lives. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had it not been for my family. I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate the family that you have because you never know when someone else is wishing that they had that very same thing.
Ah my siblings; we are as different as the stars in the sky. Sometimes so much that I find it hard to believe that all five of us came from the same two parents. However I have found that I connect with each of them on some level. With my oldest sister it's our liberal view of things and our ability to accept and appreciate others for their individuality. With my other sister it's the mom thing; we constantly rely on each other for advice and tips and well just a sounding board. With my younger brother it's well being the youngest two - we are only 2 years apart and our next oldest sibling is almost 5 years older than me so really it was always the two of us hanging out together or getting shoved in a stroller together when we were younger. Last but not least there is my older brother; I have found it hardest to make a connection with him. I think this stems from the fact that A. He's very much like our paternal grandfather who was not very social and B. He was in the Marine Corps and has learned to be closed off. Recently though I've had many conversations with him and have learned that we're more alike than I thought(i.e. anxiety attacks). But no matter how different we all are there's only one thing that matters: When push comes to shove we are THERE for each other.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I'd do without my family. Don't get me wrong, we are by NO means the Partridge Family, but when I went through my break up with my ex; they were there. When my son hurt himself and had to have surgery; they were there. When I lost my job, once again they were there reminding me that I was better off. They may piss me off, make me cry, drive me crazy, but they also dry those tears, make me laugh, and pick up the pieces when I feel like life has broken me. They are knuckleheads, but they are MY knuckleheads.
The same goes for my nephews and my son ("The Boys" as I like to call them collectively). They are all different, but they're family. There's the 12 year old (The aristocrat), who's really going on 40 with an old soul most of the time, but is secretly still a 12 year old worried about fitting in with his classmates. He may think he's a tough guy, but he's also the only one with enough patience to teach my son to ride his bike. Then there's his partner in crime and cousin my 11 year old nephew(The Academic). He is the quietly mature one - MOST of the time. He loves to read and is curious about everything; so much so that he's always asking questions and sometimes teaches me a thing or two. Next is my son who is 9(The Class Clown) who just loves to make everyone laugh. He drives them insane with his level of energy and constant talking, but at the end of the day everyone laughs and knows that's just him being himself and they wouldn't change it. Last, but certainly not least is the 7 year old (The Enforcer) who is a very sweet, sensitive kid, but will have no problem knocking your block off if it's warranted. We think he'll be the biggest out of all of them and will spend most of his time defending the sarcasm of his brother and cousins. Again they don't always get along, but they are THERE for each other. Whether it's defending each other against other kids, or merely helping to solve a video game crisis.
It warms my heart when I see the four of them playing together because it reminds me of my own siblings and how far we've come. It also makes me think that no matter how bad we think we are, you can look at the four of them and know that we did ok. Because we've all had an impact on them and their futures whether it be as parents or aunts and uncles and after seeing the four of them together I know the future is bright.
I know my family drives me crazy, but then I stop and think about the people that have noone in their lives. I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had it not been for my family. I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate the family that you have because you never know when someone else is wishing that they had that very same thing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Decision is Yours
As I sit here, I will share with you that I just got a phone call from my dr. stating that my test results were in and that she wants to see me about them. Needless to say knowing that the dr. wants to see me about them freaks me out to no end; I mean if they were normal she'd tell me over the phone right? I'm sure it's merely an infection as I was out of the country a few months ago and she said often it does take some time to present itself.
My own opinion though is that it's probably anxiety and/or stress. Much to many ppl's surprise I do suffer from anxiety attacks now and then and recently since the loss of my job they've become more prevelent. I used to be able to control them by deep breathing and going to a place that was semi quiet (when I was working this was damn near impossible cuz I was usually at work when they struck). I still do deep breathing, have tried St. John's Wort, which for awhile helps. Lately though the paralyzing fear that comes with them has become almost unbearable; I find myself crying and thinking that all kinds of horrible things are going to happen. Luckily they usually go away within a half an hour, but that half an hour sometimes feels like days.
This being said, the last time that I went to see my endocrinologist about my thyroid (which is about the only dr I make sure and see on a regular basis) I asked him about possibly putting me on an anti - depressant or an anti - anxiety med short term til things started to ease up. After all not only have I lost my job, but my insurance, and I'm still caring for two ppl with their own issues. Anyway back to my dr. his answer? You just need a job......... Yes this is what my hippie Dr. told me; and he said it as though all of my problems would be magically whisked away if I got a job. Now I have nothing against natural remedies - remember I've tried these; however I think after 32 years in my own body I know what it's trying to tell me. I guess it made me angry because I was thinking you're not in my head when I feel paralyzed with fear and it feels like the world is crashing down on me.
Something similar happened about a month ago with a friend's boyfriend. He found out that my son was on ADHD meds and almost flipped out saying that these meds were going to fuck (pardon the language) my son up and make him zombie like or they were going to turn him into a drug addict. Now for those of you that know me personally know that this is a particularly touchy subject for me because of the fact that my son's father was indeed an addict. Taking a deep breath I looked at him and fired away. I explained that the meds he are on do NOT in fact make him a zombie and that I have tried many alternatives. However when you're afraid that your son is going to hurt himself or others or when he's screamed at you telling you that he wishes you were dead or that he wanted to kill himself - you do WHATEVER you have to to make things better. Also I don't just dope my kid up - he does cognitive therapy to help him express his anger and anxiety in more productive ways. I'm not saying this is the long term solution, or that he may never try to experiment with drugs. I pray every day that he does not, but I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed. HOWEVER this is what works for NOW.
Through these experiences I've realized not to let others decide what's good for me or what's good for my son - even if they do have a medical degree. I still plan on talking to my regular dr. about getting me something short term to help with the day to day. If you take nothing else away from this blog remember this: whether it be natural remedies or prescription drugs or therapies, don't ever let anyone else decide what's right for you or for your child. You know your body, you know your child - who better to judge what you need?
My own opinion though is that it's probably anxiety and/or stress. Much to many ppl's surprise I do suffer from anxiety attacks now and then and recently since the loss of my job they've become more prevelent. I used to be able to control them by deep breathing and going to a place that was semi quiet (when I was working this was damn near impossible cuz I was usually at work when they struck). I still do deep breathing, have tried St. John's Wort, which for awhile helps. Lately though the paralyzing fear that comes with them has become almost unbearable; I find myself crying and thinking that all kinds of horrible things are going to happen. Luckily they usually go away within a half an hour, but that half an hour sometimes feels like days.
This being said, the last time that I went to see my endocrinologist about my thyroid (which is about the only dr I make sure and see on a regular basis) I asked him about possibly putting me on an anti - depressant or an anti - anxiety med short term til things started to ease up. After all not only have I lost my job, but my insurance, and I'm still caring for two ppl with their own issues. Anyway back to my dr. his answer? You just need a job......... Yes this is what my hippie Dr. told me; and he said it as though all of my problems would be magically whisked away if I got a job. Now I have nothing against natural remedies - remember I've tried these; however I think after 32 years in my own body I know what it's trying to tell me. I guess it made me angry because I was thinking you're not in my head when I feel paralyzed with fear and it feels like the world is crashing down on me.
Something similar happened about a month ago with a friend's boyfriend. He found out that my son was on ADHD meds and almost flipped out saying that these meds were going to fuck (pardon the language) my son up and make him zombie like or they were going to turn him into a drug addict. Now for those of you that know me personally know that this is a particularly touchy subject for me because of the fact that my son's father was indeed an addict. Taking a deep breath I looked at him and fired away. I explained that the meds he are on do NOT in fact make him a zombie and that I have tried many alternatives. However when you're afraid that your son is going to hurt himself or others or when he's screamed at you telling you that he wishes you were dead or that he wanted to kill himself - you do WHATEVER you have to to make things better. Also I don't just dope my kid up - he does cognitive therapy to help him express his anger and anxiety in more productive ways. I'm not saying this is the long term solution, or that he may never try to experiment with drugs. I pray every day that he does not, but I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed. HOWEVER this is what works for NOW.
Through these experiences I've realized not to let others decide what's good for me or what's good for my son - even if they do have a medical degree. I still plan on talking to my regular dr. about getting me something short term to help with the day to day. If you take nothing else away from this blog remember this: whether it be natural remedies or prescription drugs or therapies, don't ever let anyone else decide what's right for you or for your child. You know your body, you know your child - who better to judge what you need?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The two F's: Failure and Forgiveness
As I sit here typing this I'm reminded of the pizza and pop I consumed at my nephew's birthday party and want to berate myself. I've been trying to get healthier, and it's been working so far this week - I walked 4 days and have really been watching what I eat. Today however was a weak day, but then I thought about it and discovered what many people already knew: I'm not perfect! I'm gonna have days where I fail and I'm gonna have days where I rock; I just have to take it day by day. Not only with myself, but with others as well.
The break up I had with my ex was not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. I've been angry for a long time about it; not just at him, but at myself. I was upset with myself because in my eyes somehow I failed because I couldn't make the relationship work. Yes I could blame him for a lot, but I couldn't blame him for how I felt about myself. Then I realized that I didn't necessarily fail, but I succeeded - I succeeded at becoming a strong woman who stood on her own two feet and is raising a child all on her own. So I forgave myself and forged ahead. There's still days where I feel like a failure: When my kid brings home an F or is in one of his rages where he's throwing things, or when he can't figure out why his father doesn't want to be around him, and even something as simple as having to rely on help from others because I'm not currently working. In all these ways I feel like I failed my child.However I have to stop and remind myself again that I'm human; kids are gonna get F's, and my son's gonna have issues because of his disorders, but I'm getting the help that he needs for it. As far as work is concerned I'm looking for a job and asking for help is part of being a strong woman and putting my kid ahead of my own pride. As far as his father is concerned: HE'S the failure, NOT me.
This is one area I have to REALLY work on with forgiveness. I've spent many years being angry and resentful towards my ex; some for good reasons others just because it was easier for me to blame him for what I was feeling. Recently I've learned that harboring all this anger and resentment towards him is doing nothing to help me; in fact it only makes me more stressed and well it's not bothering him any. So slowly but surely I'm learning to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. Now don't get me wrong - are there days where I'd like to shove his balls in a vice? YES but I'm learning how to deal with it and let it go. Part of me actually feels sorry for my ex because one day when he's old and grey he's going to realize all the wonderful things he missed out on when he chose other things over our son. The other part of me is eternally grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy.
The bottom line that I'm trying to get across with all of this is learn to accept the failures in your life and turn them into learning opportunities. Learn to accept that people are only human; no more no less. Now I'm not saying forgiveness is easy, or that it's always warranted but I do know that harboring anger and resentment is a waste of time and energy. It can zap the life out of you and life is short enough - why spend it being angry?
The break up I had with my ex was not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. I've been angry for a long time about it; not just at him, but at myself. I was upset with myself because in my eyes somehow I failed because I couldn't make the relationship work. Yes I could blame him for a lot, but I couldn't blame him for how I felt about myself. Then I realized that I didn't necessarily fail, but I succeeded - I succeeded at becoming a strong woman who stood on her own two feet and is raising a child all on her own. So I forgave myself and forged ahead. There's still days where I feel like a failure: When my kid brings home an F or is in one of his rages where he's throwing things, or when he can't figure out why his father doesn't want to be around him, and even something as simple as having to rely on help from others because I'm not currently working. In all these ways I feel like I failed my child.However I have to stop and remind myself again that I'm human; kids are gonna get F's, and my son's gonna have issues because of his disorders, but I'm getting the help that he needs for it. As far as work is concerned I'm looking for a job and asking for help is part of being a strong woman and putting my kid ahead of my own pride. As far as his father is concerned: HE'S the failure, NOT me.
This is one area I have to REALLY work on with forgiveness. I've spent many years being angry and resentful towards my ex; some for good reasons others just because it was easier for me to blame him for what I was feeling. Recently I've learned that harboring all this anger and resentment towards him is doing nothing to help me; in fact it only makes me more stressed and well it's not bothering him any. So slowly but surely I'm learning to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. Now don't get me wrong - are there days where I'd like to shove his balls in a vice? YES but I'm learning how to deal with it and let it go. Part of me actually feels sorry for my ex because one day when he's old and grey he's going to realize all the wonderful things he missed out on when he chose other things over our son. The other part of me is eternally grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy.
The bottom line that I'm trying to get across with all of this is learn to accept the failures in your life and turn them into learning opportunities. Learn to accept that people are only human; no more no less. Now I'm not saying forgiveness is easy, or that it's always warranted but I do know that harboring anger and resentment is a waste of time and energy. It can zap the life out of you and life is short enough - why spend it being angry?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Kindness makes the world go round
One of my favorite commercials is by an insurance company - AllState I think; it shows someone doing a kind act for someone else and it forms a chain reaction eventually getting back to the person that started it in the first place. It goes to show how one simple act of kindness can have an impact on someone. I recently became a fan of the show The Secret Millionaire in which a millionaire goes undercover and gives away money to people making a difference in their communities. This past week's millionaire (there's a different one every week) was working with a man who when he was younger got a girl pregnant and got kicked out of his house. Knowing his own struggle he decided to help others by collecting donated clothes, shoes, etc and with monetary gifts he bought toiletries and formed hygiene kits. He'd gather all this stuff up and go into one of the worst homeless areas and give the stuff away. While they were there, they saw an old man with a walker whose shoes had been covered in feces - courtesy of someone else, but there were no more shoes. The guy who ran the drive asked what size shoe, then looked at his own took off his shoes and gave them to the old man who was stunned and grateful. As I sat there watching, it brought a tear to my eye - I had never seen such a selfless act. Now I'm not saying take off your shoes and go give them to the nearest homeless person, but just think about the differences you CAN make. Recently my brother's been going through some things and HATES to cook so a couple of times I've brought dinner with all the trimmings. He was so grateful, but I just figured that he could use it, and well for those of you that know me know I LOVE to cook and bake. Some might call me an enabler lol but the joy I get from watching someone's face light up when I hand them something I made for them is priceless because more often than not they'll tell me they were having a bad day and needed a pick me up; to know that someone was thinking about them with love.
You see it's a win/win situation; not only is the person that is the recipient of the kind act grateful, but something inside you happens when you're kind to others. For lack of a better term - you get warm fuzzies. We all have our own struggles; that goes without saying but every once in awhile we have to look beyond ourselves and realize that there's a bigger picture. You never know when smiling at someone or opening the door for someone will start that chain reaction and guess what? Eventually it'll get back to YOU!
We've all heard the term you are what you eat (In my case I'd probably be a plate of Mexican food); the same can be said for our lives. You get back what you put out there; if you're constantly being selfish or negative - guess what only selfish and negative things are gonna happen. However if you take the time to think about someone else - even for a few minutes it can make a difference. Am I saying that if you're nicer to people or more postive about things that you will all of a sudden become Cindy Crawford or have Bill Gates' money? NO but you might get something you never expected - kindness in return.
You see it's a win/win situation; not only is the person that is the recipient of the kind act grateful, but something inside you happens when you're kind to others. For lack of a better term - you get warm fuzzies. We all have our own struggles; that goes without saying but every once in awhile we have to look beyond ourselves and realize that there's a bigger picture. You never know when smiling at someone or opening the door for someone will start that chain reaction and guess what? Eventually it'll get back to YOU!
We've all heard the term you are what you eat (In my case I'd probably be a plate of Mexican food); the same can be said for our lives. You get back what you put out there; if you're constantly being selfish or negative - guess what only selfish and negative things are gonna happen. However if you take the time to think about someone else - even for a few minutes it can make a difference. Am I saying that if you're nicer to people or more postive about things that you will all of a sudden become Cindy Crawford or have Bill Gates' money? NO but you might get something you never expected - kindness in return.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Being Me
Alot of us sit and dream of what it would be like to be someone else. Whether it be someone famous or our nextdoor neighbor; we all do it. Personally I wouldn't mind being Paula Deen; for those of you that don't know her she's a lovely southern woman who has a show on the FoodNetwork. I like her because she overcame a lot; she lost her parents at a young age, raised two boys on her own, started a business from nothing, and dealt with agoraphobia (fear of the public). She's a success story if I've ever heard one and I have a lot of respect for her.
That being said, though I would often like to be her (who wouldn't want a successful show and the love of thousands?) I am me; for better or for worse. I'm a mother, daughter, sister, friend - I carry all these titles. However the most important title I carry is Karyn because without her I couldn't be any of those other things. Now this may sound a little crazy, but allow me to explain a little revelation I had after my break up with my ex.
It was probably about a month or so after I had left my son's father and I was in the kitchen making a salad. As I cut the tomato I had an epiphany; this was the first tomato I'd eaten in sometime. Why? It wasn't that I didn't like them - I LOVE them, but because my ex didn't like them I'd taken to not buying them at the store. I had given up something I loved all because I was trying to please someone else. Now this may seem insignificant to some, but for me it was eye opening. It made me look back over the last few years and realize how much of myself I'd lost. I watched what he wanted to watch, went to whatever movies he wanted, and the list went on and on. I decided then and there that I would never again give up something so precious: ME.
For the most part I have been successful with keeping that promise. However when you start to take care of others you do lose yourself to a certain degree. I would never change taking care of my son or my mom for anything, but with the problems they have it can be draining. I know many of you know this feeling; but what I've come to realize is that in order to take care of them I have to be the best me I can be. So over the last 6 months I've taken to getting MYSELF to the Dr., the Dentist, and recently I've started my journey of becoming healthier by losing weight. I try to no longer care what others think of me and I tell people if you don't want an honest answer don't ask me.
So what am I trying to say with all of this? Remember who you are and embrace that person. Love everything about her; if there's something you wish were different - change it. Don't be afraid to be who you are. If it's blue hair and black nailpolish than wear it like nobody's business - give a smile and a wave to those who stare. If you want to run a marathon, get some running shoes and run a marathon. Don't let others push you into being someone you're not because it'll never make you happy. Eat all the tomatoes you want (I know I will!) and BE YOURSELF - noone can do it better!
That being said, though I would often like to be her (who wouldn't want a successful show and the love of thousands?) I am me; for better or for worse. I'm a mother, daughter, sister, friend - I carry all these titles. However the most important title I carry is Karyn because without her I couldn't be any of those other things. Now this may sound a little crazy, but allow me to explain a little revelation I had after my break up with my ex.
It was probably about a month or so after I had left my son's father and I was in the kitchen making a salad. As I cut the tomato I had an epiphany; this was the first tomato I'd eaten in sometime. Why? It wasn't that I didn't like them - I LOVE them, but because my ex didn't like them I'd taken to not buying them at the store. I had given up something I loved all because I was trying to please someone else. Now this may seem insignificant to some, but for me it was eye opening. It made me look back over the last few years and realize how much of myself I'd lost. I watched what he wanted to watch, went to whatever movies he wanted, and the list went on and on. I decided then and there that I would never again give up something so precious: ME.
For the most part I have been successful with keeping that promise. However when you start to take care of others you do lose yourself to a certain degree. I would never change taking care of my son or my mom for anything, but with the problems they have it can be draining. I know many of you know this feeling; but what I've come to realize is that in order to take care of them I have to be the best me I can be. So over the last 6 months I've taken to getting MYSELF to the Dr., the Dentist, and recently I've started my journey of becoming healthier by losing weight. I try to no longer care what others think of me and I tell people if you don't want an honest answer don't ask me.
So what am I trying to say with all of this? Remember who you are and embrace that person. Love everything about her; if there's something you wish were different - change it. Don't be afraid to be who you are. If it's blue hair and black nailpolish than wear it like nobody's business - give a smile and a wave to those who stare. If you want to run a marathon, get some running shoes and run a marathon. Don't let others push you into being someone you're not because it'll never make you happy. Eat all the tomatoes you want (I know I will!) and BE YOURSELF - noone can do it better!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Getting here
How did I get here? It's amazing the roads one travels to get anywhere; for me it's been a rocky one filled with potholes and the like. With each pothole though comes a story; some good, some bad, and some that I'd really wish I would have avoided. However it's made me the woman I am today and I've grown kind of fond her.
My story is a fairly simple one. I was one of five children and I had a great upbringing - sure there's skeletons, but who doesn't have them? It's all in how you disguise them and how far back you push them in the closet so they don't all come bursting out at the same time. The one thing I've always struggled with though is self esteem. I've always worried too much what others think of me; it wasn't til I became a mom that I was like who gives a crap? Those of you that are parents know that becoming responsible for another human being changes you. All of a sudden you can lift cars, run marathons, walk through fire, and tell off people you never would have thought you could all in the name of your child. Multiply that by about a thousand when you have a child with a disability. I have a son with ADHD, ODD, and some Anxiety Disorder; this in itself is a challenge, but a challenge that I feel blessed to have because I think God (or whoever you believe in) decided that I was strong enough to handle it.
I've scoured the net and other networks for support, etc but never found any place that I "belonged". The only person that got that feeling - that I know of was a close friend who also has a child with a disability. And it wasn't just support for this, it was for many aspects of our lives, weight loss, stress management, etc. For awhile we've been relying on each other - texts, emails, IMs, you name it we did it. All to support each other - both in our successes and our failures. It became clear to both of us that there were probably others out there that felt like us. So I've started this blog, and she's currently doing hers - once I get used to this thing I'll have a link - she's really pretty inspiring and pretty damn awesome. She made me realize that I need to "own it" to quote her; to use my own words to realize that we're all the masters of our own destiny - you make life what it is - good or bad. Sure there's going to be those proverbial potholes, but without the potholes one can never appreciate the smooth parts of the road.
So my friends this is part of the road that got me here; if you're still reading I hope you'll join me on the rest of this journey.
My story is a fairly simple one. I was one of five children and I had a great upbringing - sure there's skeletons, but who doesn't have them? It's all in how you disguise them and how far back you push them in the closet so they don't all come bursting out at the same time. The one thing I've always struggled with though is self esteem. I've always worried too much what others think of me; it wasn't til I became a mom that I was like who gives a crap? Those of you that are parents know that becoming responsible for another human being changes you. All of a sudden you can lift cars, run marathons, walk through fire, and tell off people you never would have thought you could all in the name of your child. Multiply that by about a thousand when you have a child with a disability. I have a son with ADHD, ODD, and some Anxiety Disorder; this in itself is a challenge, but a challenge that I feel blessed to have because I think God (or whoever you believe in) decided that I was strong enough to handle it.
I've scoured the net and other networks for support, etc but never found any place that I "belonged". The only person that got that feeling - that I know of was a close friend who also has a child with a disability. And it wasn't just support for this, it was for many aspects of our lives, weight loss, stress management, etc. For awhile we've been relying on each other - texts, emails, IMs, you name it we did it. All to support each other - both in our successes and our failures. It became clear to both of us that there were probably others out there that felt like us. So I've started this blog, and she's currently doing hers - once I get used to this thing I'll have a link - she's really pretty inspiring and pretty damn awesome. She made me realize that I need to "own it" to quote her; to use my own words to realize that we're all the masters of our own destiny - you make life what it is - good or bad. Sure there's going to be those proverbial potholes, but without the potholes one can never appreciate the smooth parts of the road.
So my friends this is part of the road that got me here; if you're still reading I hope you'll join me on the rest of this journey.
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